weight

With all the research and methodologies I have tried over the last year I have become quite the nutrition aficionado and although my style of eating has changed dramatically, I still have not made the true lifestyle changes that will support real and lasting weight loss.  I do find it frustrating though that even when I am really strict about what I eat and exercise regularly I have trouble losing more than a few pounds and the minute I let up in the least it pops right back up again, like overnight.

Something is amiss, but I also accept that finding out what that is may be nearly impossible and that my only option is to buckle down and do what it takes, but that all seems so overwhelming.  So,   I am currently taking a break from trying to solve the weight loss problem and am just concentrating on one thing at a time.  See, I have a tendency to look too far into the future or see the picture as too big.  Then I get overwhelmed and end up saying “fuck it” and giving up on the whole thing.

So, for now I am concentrating on the triathlon that I am running on September 25th.  One step at a time.  I started with the swimming by taking swim lessons two nights a week.  When I was pretty sure that I could swim the half mile I needed to and had built some swimming confidence I added the running piece and last night I ran a full 5k without stopping.  I’m not setting any records but I didn’t stop or feel that I needed to.

Now, onto the bike.  This weekend I will be purchasing my first bike and adding that into the mix.  One small step at a time.

I am trying to take this approach with more things in my life as this state of ineffectiveness infects almost everything I do.

Set small attainable goals and accomplish the task.

Today I am writing this blog post.   I am not transferring this into expectations that I will write a post every day or any time in the future.  Right now I am writing this and that is good enough for now.

Never in my life did I think that I would become so paralyzed in my own skin, but I am working on it (and working on it and working on it).  I was expressing my frustration at my continuing struggles at therapy the other day.  I have licked the depression and anxiety, poof… gone.   I have battled old demons, healed old wounds and gained unforeseen perspective.  I have finally grown up and faced the real world.  So why is everything still so hard?

She had a couple of words of wisdom.  First, I need to acknowledge how far I have come and accept that change is hard and doesn’t take place over night.  She also explained that not being depressed is different from being happy and not being anxious is different than being calm and centered.  These things take work too and small steps is the only way to get there.  There is always more work to do.

So, I take small steps and am thankful each day for those that love me and allow me to love them back.

Now if only I could get Ian to stop shitting his pants.  ;)

Well I am having a hard time figuring out if I chose the best or worst time to take this on.  Right now, life is simply lobbing me one stressful event after another.  The timing has definitely not been ideal for extreme weight loss, but it has been primed for personal growth and that sometimes is even more important.

The last several days my son has been very sick and Monday we spent the good part of the day and all evening in the ER.  He is getting better and is going to be just fine, but the stress has been profound.  Believe me, the last thing I want is excuses for why I can’t succeed at this.

This is what I struggle with time and time again.  Life gets in the way, the stress gets to me and then I eat to make myself feel better and then I feel guilty and crappy about myself so I give up.

This cycle, I only lost half a pound.  I have hit my mark in that 163 pounds is this sticking point for me.  I have not been below it since my son was born three years ago.  I try and I try and I get to 163 and it just won’t budge.  Well, here we are again after a stressful and disappointing week and I have to say I am not surprised.  I am trying very hard to look past that number and not feel defeated.

But a couple of really good things have come out of this cycle and right now I am celebrating the littlest of victories.  I am still here.  I haven’t given up, I haven’t blown my diet.   I am sticking to the plan, despite all the obstacles.  I will finish what I started and push past my fears.

I also started exercising again.  There are still many things that I can’t do with my thumb as it is, but I went for a run and biked as well.  I also tried out some of the bodyweight exercise routines, which I totally love.  There were several of the exercises that I couldn’t do as I am unable to put my full weight on that hand, but I either modified, substituted or skipped the moves I couldn’t do and kept going.  Tonight I am going back to swim classes for the first time since the accident.

The biggie though has been gaining some control back over the food.  The fast days have been so pinnacle in this.  Yes, I get hungry but I embrace that and I have control of whether I eat or not.  And that gives me more control over the rest of the days when I have to choose what I will eat, whether I will stick to the plan or give into the little gremlins in my head.

Through all the last few weeks of craziness with family in and out of the house and two major medical events, I have stuck to the plan as much as I could.  There have been moments of weakness and moments of circumstance, but I didn’t let them affect my resolve.  I just kept going.  This may not seem like much to you, but for me it is a pretty big deal.

I have two more cycles to go and I hope that I can get it together enough to lose a little weight in the process.  But even if I don’t, I have gained a lot from this and I will be completing the program again in July before my husband and I take a trip to Sonoma.  So, I will have another chance to make it happen for me.

I have updated the Xtreme Fat Loss page with the latest.  Not much to look at though…

Don’t let my lack of success deter you from this program.  My results have nothing to do with the program.  I have no doubt that it works and that you could achieve significant results.

Learn More at the Xtreme Fat Loss Diet Website

Don’t let your fears or reservations stop you in achieving your goals.  When we fall all there is to do is to get up and keep going.

Well, here we are on protein day of cycle two of the Xtreme Fat Loss Diet. This week has been a struggle with me because of my thumb.

I have not been able to work out at all. I tried to do some lower body work, but any bouncing of my body is painful and any significant increase in my heart rate starts it throbbing.

I also just generally don’t feel particularly well with a feeling of general wooginess. When part of your body is dealing with trauma it is like the rest just functions at half mast.

I have been pretty good about sticking to the food plan though, with a few minor exceptions. I couldn’t fast entirely, but I did manage to keep it to three small bites of food corresponding with when I needed to take my medication.

I didn’t have a chance to plan as well as I would have liked and grocery shopping got pushed out a couple of days so I had to wing it a little. I found myself very hungry yesterday during moderate carb day. I assume that had something to do with not planning and therefore not eating enough of the right things at the right time. Hunger is not something that has been an issue with this program at all, except on fast days and that is to be expected and easily managed.

All of this makes me a little nervous for this cycles results. I am just hoping that I can really dig in next cycle.

Joel had a bodyweight workout made to accompany the program and I am really excited about that. I am a huge fan of bodyweight workouts and much prefer them to weight lifting. Included is a booklet explaining everything and with logging sheets. Also there are instructional videos for each exercise as well as follow along videos for each type of day. I am really excited to give these a try next go around.

My new cycle starts tomorrow and once again I have family coming into town. I have definitely had my challenges with the program and ultimately I am impressed that I am still motivated and dedicated to making it happen. Big step for me.

Learn more about Joel Marion’s Xtreme Fat Loss Diet

This process never ceases to amaze me.  The weirdest stuff is happening to me.  I squarely chalk this up to the fact that I must have had some serious stuff built up in my system as well as a significant amount of emotional blockage.

It has taken a while and I even was starting to think that even though I felt great that maybe this wasn’t going to work for my weight loss.  I have been at this for a while now and I have experienced some amazing changes in my mood and physical well being, but not much actual weight loss.

Jon even says in the book that the more barriers you have to losing weight the longer it will take for the weight loss to begin.  Even though it has taken a long time,  I just kept going with it.  It wasn’t even like I had a lot of choice, my body was making changes and demanding different foods and I just was open to it and let it happen at its own pace.

These last couple of weeks has been really crazy with traveling and multiple dinner guests and the kids being home and Ian having a growth spurt while cutting molars and now finally I have a doozy of a cold that has taken my appetite and any desire I have to move from a horizontal position on the couch.

But in spite of all that these really amazing things have happened and also some weird ones as well.

I forgave my father.  This is the biggest of emotional barriers obliterated and something I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to do.  He hurt me so badly and I have been carrying so much anger and pain around with me for such a long time.  But that anger isn’t doing me any good, it is just holding me back and so I am letting it go.

Along with this has come a strong desire to search him out.  He is aging and alone and my guess is not too happy and he is my dad and I love him despite his many aggregious acts and faults and I want to fix things between us before it is too late.    I know that he wont want this from me because he can’t accept my own acts and faults, but I feel that our life lessons are tied together somehow and that we have a lot to learn from each other no matter how hard that may be for either one of us.

I have also felt some sort of chemical shift has taken place in my body.  I just feel different and my physical body is starting to change.  My clothes are looser and I know the weight is starting to come off.  I look completely different to myself in the mirror.

I have also gotten really sick.  I haven’t been sick with any seriousness since before I got pregnant with Ian.   My hair is also falling out.  Nothing to be worried about, but I haven’t had any hair in the shower drain since I got pregnant with Ian and now the normal amount for someone with longish hair is there.  I didn’t even lose my hair after he was born like you are supposed to.

I know it sounds crazy, but I really think that my body never adjusted to not being pregnant.  The chemicals just kept going.  Jon talks about pregnancy being a time when your body turns on the FAT programs.  Is it possible that those programs simply never got turned off?  That would certainly explain a lot of things;  My hair continuing to be thicker and healthier than normal, my late onset postpartum depression, my bomb proof immune system and my persistent lack of weight movement among many other things too personal to discuss.

But, whatever it was has definitely changed over the last couple of weeks and my weight is finally moving.   Still not getting on the scale until October, but I have a lot more faith that the number when I do will be significantly lower than it was when I began or is now.

Yea!

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It’s kinda weird.  I look in the mirror and see the same body that has been there, maybe a little thinner but I think that is just the fat goggles being removed.  

But I feel thinner, especially through my middle where I carry most of my weight.

The fat there has always felt like heavy weights, holding me back and weighing me down.

I’m not exactly sure how to explain it, but it feels almost like when you suck your stomach in.  Tight and strong.  But, it feels like this all the time.  The fat is still there, it just doesn’t feel so heavy, more like it is just sitting on top of this new thinner me.

It’s almost like I can feel that thin me inside there, just waiting to come out.  Hmmm.  Curious and a little exciting.

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