I have felt really self conscious this week, second guessing everything that comes out of my mouth, feeling like everyone in the room thinks I’m a total idiot.
My therapist says that it could be premenstrual, that many women feel that way before our favorite time of the month. This is not an unfamiliar feeling for me, but I never tied it to that before. The timing is right, any day now. We’ll have to see if it goes away afterwards.
I guess this could explain why I am not inspired or motivated to write or work this week. If I say anything or build anything or design anything, I will have to spend the next several hours or days wondering if what I said or did was right or offending or if someone is going to think poorly of me because of it.
Why is it that I just can’t sit comfortably with myself? Why do I worry so much about what others think, while at the same time repeating to myself how little others opinions matter to me.
I know that I am not the type of person that everyone likes. I am not bubbly or outgoing and I don’t play the mommy social game well. But, why is it that I have such a hard time meeting and making friends with other moms. Probably because I am so damn self conscious or do I think that because I’m self conscious? Where did that come from?
See, so uninspired, nothing but blathering to contribute. God, could I be more self deprecating.
I’ll be back once I’m done feeling sorry for myself.