true self

Well, I have had another very emotional day.  It’s amazing what small things can bring me to my knees these days.  Just yesterday,  I was feeling so good.  I was feeling strong, I was sleeping well (well better anyway), I was having fun with the kids, I felt in control and like progress was being made.  And today, I am back to a puddle of tears and anxiety.

Why is it that I allow something so inconsequential to get me so riled up?  Probably because it isn’t inconsequential.  Not because of the specific situation but because of the feelings of loss that it brings up in me.  Loss is a very sad emotion.  It’s one that I’m not sure I have ever fully addressed.

The good thing is that I am feeling the sadness, boy am I feeling it.  And it is all muddled with anger and resentment and the need to slug someone in the gut.  The problem with this kind of emotion is that it interferes with everything.

It seeps into all the little crevices of your life and start to mess with you.  It’s just wrong.  But it needs to be done.  Opening a nest of pent up emotion is a scary thing and not always the most pleasant for those that you love, but it needs to be dealt with.  I have no choice to but face it all and look it directly in the eye.  Be brave.  Be brave.  Be brave.

I also know what needs to be done to put all this current messy business behind me as well, but doing it is also pretty scary business.  I am wired for flight and turning to face my fears is not something I do with ease.  I am a person who has walked through life in fear.    Not any more.

Sometimes what needs to be done, just needs to be done.  Sometimes there is no salvaging it.  And sometimes, even if you could salvage it, that isn’t the right or best thing to do.  I am done with situations that are not healthy for me.  I am done pushing my true self aside to please others.  I am done feeling bad about who I am.  I’m just done.  I want it over with.  I am ready to move on.  Too bad that all comes with a bunch of ugly consequences.

Just for the record, this has nothing to do with my marriage.  Karli is my rock and I would be huddled in a corner right now if it weren’t for him.  He is everything a husband should be and so much more.  I wish everyone had the opportunity to walk through life with their soul mate.

Someone told me something really important once and I repeat it to myself often.

I have everything that I need and I am getting better and better every day.

I am grateful and hopeful and full of love.