therapist

I know that I have mentioned this maybe even several times in the past, but I just can’t get over how powerful it is when the same information comes at me from several unrelated sources.  This always confirms for me that I am on the right track.  Lately this phenomena is happening everywhere I look and so gives me confidence that although I sometimes feel like I am dangling from a hook, struggling to find solid ground as life zooms past me, everything is happening as it should and it helps me to trust myself and allow myself to be present to the changes happening in my life.

Funny, that word changes.  In the forum they teach us to differentiate between changes and transformations.  Change is something gradual that you must apply will power and constant attention to to make it happen.  Transformation is instant, more like an immediate shift that sends you in a new direction.  These are the more powerful mechanisms for making significant differences in our lives and I have seen this in several areas of my life and now finally with my health.

I first saw this in action when I quit smoking.  We had heard of this book (The Easy Way to Stop Smoking) that supposedly could help you quit smoking with little effort or withdrawals. Now, I had been a smoker for over 15 years and had quit and started countless times. My problem was that I liked smoking, no I loved smoking.   But, I hated being a smoker.   There is a very distinct difference there that I think most smokers can relate to.

So, we had heard stories of several people who had read this book and then simply stopped smoking forever. At this point what did I have to lose, so I gave it a try. Basically the book tells it like it is, separating you from your addiction and helping you to see how it is standing in the way and certainly not serving in any way at all. But the funny thing is that it is really more about the act of reading the book than even what the book says.   At the end they have this list of questions and if you can answer yes to any of them you need to start the book over.   It took reading the book twice to get through the list, but then I put down the cigarettes and haven’t had another since and it wasn’t even hard, like at all.    My best friend even looked at me the other night and said she can no longer even imagine me as a smoker.  Amazing.

Do you need to quit? Get the Book!

The point is that it was my first introduction to the instant transformation I am talking about. It wasn’t hard to quit like it had been the many other times I had tried. It was like something shifted and I just didn’t need it any more. Quite the transformation.

Back when I was depressed and having regular debilitating panic attacks my therapist would tell me to differentiate and identify the depression and anxiety as separate from myself. “That’s the depression talking”.   It was amazing how quickly I started to feel better once I started doing this. I kept telling myself that it was just anxiety and depression and that what it was saying was not true and that I could keep going even though I thought my heart would explode out of my chest and it eventually just disappeared.  In the moment that I realized that I wasn’t the awful person my depression told me I was, it just dissipated and I started feeling better and soon I was better.

At The Forum I learned to separate my stories from my actual experiences and found forgiveness and peace with my past.

Do you see a pattern here?

Well now it has reached my battle with my weight. I was noticing last week that my whole outlook was starting to change. But this didn’t happen slowly over time with a lot of will power.   Yes, I have been thinking a lot about it and have made some changes to my diet and have obviously been working on the emotional aspects, but I was feeling really frustrated that it didn’t seem how much I worked at it, I still wanted to the sweets and junk food and couldn’t keep myself from eating it.  And I still had no desire to work out at all.

I hit my peak of frustration as I scarfed down a brownie on the way to therapy last Monday.   Two bites and I was feeling nauseous, yet I still ate the whole damn thing.  What is going on?

So I was talking to my therapist about it and she taught me how to differentiate this as well.  There is was again.  She recommended stopping when I felt these cravings and looking at them from another angle, identifying the intensity of the craving by giving it a number 1-10.   Then if you decide the number is high enough and eat the craved food, then identify how much satisfaction you got from eating it by giving it a number 1-10.

During this therapy session, something just clicked and since then I have been following her advice,  which has unfortunately taken the joy out of several sweat treats I was really looking forward to, and yet again transformation has happened.  Not perfection or magical weight loss, but a totally different outlook that seemed like it came out of nowhere.

I have been almost jonesing for exercise and food has lost its power over me. I am even down to just one Diet Coke a day, a miracle in and of itself.

It is just a craving and separate from myself.   That craving has nothing to do with my body’s need for sustenance or nutrition or even something yummy to eat — it is emotional and completely separate.

I think this is part of the message the Jon Gabriel is trying to convey to us.   Just give your body what it needs and realize that you are emotionally separate from your need to eat and your body will start asking for what it needs and giving back what you want from it.

The real test will be how this plays out over the next couple of months.  Please let the weight loss finally come.   I create this possibility for myself and for all of you too.

Buy the Gabriel Method Book Now!

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Let’s get real here.  I feel weak.  I doubt my ability to do this and I am self sabotaging like you would not believe.  Yet one more thing that terrifies me.  I am so tired of being afraid.  I don’t even know what I am so damn scared of.  I just walk around wallowing in my own fear.

If you have been reading this blog for awhile then you know that I am recovering from postpartum depression and have been seeing a therapist for the last six months.  Just yesterday she was telling me how fearless I am in my therapy, how strong I am and how dedicated I am to getting better. It is my disgust with this fear and doubt that drives me to do more and dig deeper in therapy, but it is moments like this that also show me that I have so far to go.  Why is it that I can be so fearless and committed to that, but so weak and afraid when it comes to committing to my own health.

I need to remind myself how far I have come.  I am no longer depressed or having panic attacks.  I have down days, but nothing like it used to be.  That is a long way to come from where I was, which was in a very dark hole, alone and broken.  I took no medication to accomplish this, but faced it head on and worked through it.  This is a huge accomplishment and I am proud of it.

But with that said, there are many more issues to tackle, not the least of which is my inability to fully commit.  This is the issue affecting this particular process for me.   When I choose something, I feel very committed to it and it starts off that way, but as obstacles pop up and it gets a little tougher my resolve dwindles and I slowly lose my willingness to do what it takes. 

One of the main tenants of The Gabriel Method is not to bring cheating into it.  Don’t think of it as taking away, but as adding.  This is all fine and dandy, but when I break down and scarf a jumbo jack in the car on the way home from a particularly tough therapy session or find myself six deep in mini peanut butter cups after a phone call with my mother, I feel like I have failed, like I cheated and then it all goes down hill from there.  Let the closet binge eating begin.

This is hard for me to say, but last night I was watching the biggest loser and they were talking about the habits that got them to the point where they were when they started the show and I can see those habits in myself.  I am not there yet, still just in the overweight category, but I can see how it gets there.

I weighed myself this morning because I felt I needed to.  I couldn’t control my urge to know the bad news, like I needed to feel guilty about it.  Up three pounds.  Now, I do not blame The Gabriel Method for this, in fact he even says in his book that you might gain a few pounds in the beginning as you break the cycle of shame that goes along with food.   This is my fault, I didn’t dedicate myself to doing what Jon said every day.  I didn’t follow the rules, however simple they were.   I let my life and my fears interfere with my commitment.  Classic me.

There is positive growth to be seen in this first month though.  I have learned quite a bit about eating healthier and think a lot about how to make sure I am getting the main three things in my meals (protein, omega and live food).  I have even been pretty good about breakfast, but not every day.  I have done really all the things he instructs for month one, just not consistently.  Again, lack of true commitment.

I want to commit, I want to give over to the process.  In order for things to truly change you need to commit to the process for the whole month, or 21 days really.  But that doesn’t mean half ass for a month, that means every day.

So where to go from here.  I feel like I should start over, because I am not ready to add on at this point.  I don’t feel like I have made the month one steps second nature, which is the point or breaking it down that way.  I am already overwhelmed, adding more just seems like a good way to self sabotage at this point.

I do know that I need to go back and read the book from cover to cover again.  I also saw on Jon’s website that you can contact Jon directly so I think I might do that.  

Well, sorry that I don’t have fantastic news of miraculous weight loss to share at the end of month 1, but I am not giving up.    I am confident that this is the right program for me, I just need to find a way to truly commit myself.  I will update in the next couple of days as I figure out what my new plan is.

Buy The Gabriel Method book now!

I am very excited about working with my new therapist.  She is really helping me to put my current situation into perspective and to see the positive things that are coming of it rather than dwelling on how hard it can be at times.  

I believe that I am in the middle of learning some big life lesson and although I don’t have a complete handle on exactly what is going on I feel that it has something to do with learning to set boundaries and feel ok about stating what I need.  When we discuss things going on in my life right now, there are some common threads (things that I keep saying over and over), including that I don’t feel that I am being heard as well as issues around boundary setting.

To get at the root of where these feelings are coming from, where in my past they originated, and how best to move past my issues and move forward in my life on a more directed and purposeful path, we are going to use a variety of techniques beyond just hashing it out over and over again.  

I am having some pretty exaggerated emotional responses to the pretty straight forward issues I’m dealing with right now, so I think that there has to be something more going on here.  Something from my past rearing its head or a brick wall that I have to fight through in order to learn a life lesson that will enable me to find that path to a fulfilling, balanced life that I so eagerly seek and find so elusive.

One of the therapy techniques we are using requires I come up with a simple memory from each year of my life. The memory should be neutral to positive and not induce any serious emotion of any sort, just a pleasant memory.  

I can’t say that I totally understand how this is all going to work yet, but it sure was interesting making this list.  Some years were definitely easier than others.  There were some pretty dark areas of my life that I struggled to find a positive memory for.  Not that great memories don’t come out of some of the darkest times, but finding something that wasn’t tied to someone or something that was going to dredge up the negative things associated with that time was sometimes rather tricky.

The numbers correspond with my age at the time and I have added the years in brackets once I hit my 20s because it is easier to reference it that way.  My therapist said that when we hit our mid twenties we start identifying more with what year it is and less with how old we are.  Makes sense, i guess, who wants to dwell on how old they are past 25, right?

This is what I came up with.  

4  –  Sitting on the hearth in front of the fireplace Christmas morning with my Grandpa in our Christmas jammies.

5 – Eating pomegranates on the playground

6 – Decorating my bike for the fourth of July parade

7 – Earthquake evacuation drills (we lived in northern California at the time)

8 – Meeting Lizzie on the first day of school

9 – Having pizza with my math teacher

10 – Building the pasture fence with my dad

11 – Braiding the horses manes with the other riders in my barn before horse shows

12 – My first kiss

13 – Going to Disneyland with my choir

14 – 9th grade graduation

15 – Riding in the back of Kris’s brat

16 – Braiding our hair at Tegan’s house

17 – Driving out to the valley in Joanne’s convertible listening to Violator

18  – The green shag carpet in my first apartment

19  – Watching 90210 at Lauri and Tiff’s

20  – Learning to Rock Climb in my systems class.

21  – Climbing a tree with Karli my first trip to Bellingham

22  – Drawing in art class

23 – Coming home from School everyday to Karli, Jason and Lucus on the couch

24  – Meeting Sarah

25  – Smoking Cigarettes in the garden behind CUH with Sarah

26 (99/00) – Propagating plants in the greenhouse.  Oh, how I loved the greenhouse

27 (00/01)- Getting married

28 (01/02) – Buying our house

29 (02/03) – Taking my first business trip –  to Las Vegas

30 (03/04) – Going to the cabin with Matt and Teresa

31 (04/05) – Sitting in the quad at the UW

32 (05/06) – Little Gym

33 (06/07) – Finding out I was pregnant, again

34 (07/08) – Our road trip to California

35 (present) – Karli and I building the deck

 

This was actually a really interesting and fun way to look back over my life.  Remembering the past and sifting through all the emotionally charged memories in our lives to find those simple moments when all was right in the world is very therapeutic.  I encourage you all to give it a try.

Recently I have decided that seeing a therapist might really help me to deal with some residual pain and issues that have been lingering from childhood as well as the current unstable state of my emotions. I also hope that it will help give me some perspective and direction on my path to a happier more fulfilling life and a career that I might find interesting.

Finding a therapist is easier said than done in many cases. Oh yes, if you were willing to pick blindly off a list, then it’s cake. But, I was looking for someone who would resonate with my belief system (no christian counseling please – you would be very surprised how many that eliminates), had a time slot that would work for me and of course was on my provider list.

I did find someone, but she only had middle of the day spots, which initially I balked at because I don’t have child care. I then found out that there was no one else that I really liked and I decided I really wanted her, so I called back a few days later to take the one available appointment and it was gone. She was full and no longer accepting patients. Great.

Well, for a couple of weeks, I just let the whole therapist thing go and concentrated on doing what I could myself for my current situation. This has gone pretty well, actually. I feel a lot better. I have been really embracing and feeling my emotions, I think for the first time in many many years. This has allowed me to let some it go and to have the courage to do something that was very difficult but necessary.

I was talking with my friend T and she suggested I see if I could get on a waiting list with this woman that I want to see. So yesterday, I sent an email to see if she had a waiting list and she wrote back that she now has three appointments available. They are still daytime appointments, but we are just going to have to work it out. I am now confirmed to begin therapy next week. Yea!

I also asked her to put me on the waiting list for later appointments as they become available. This way, I can hopefully end up with an evening appointment in the next several months.

I am very excited to begin. She specializes in life journeys and incorporating or releasing residual baggage from the past as well as moving forward on the life path you are meant to follow. I am so looking forward to begin this work.

For me, and I think for many with childhood issues, it is important that I learn to accept what happened, understand that it wasn’t my fault and learn to do what I have to to let it go and stop the patterns that were created by it.

A lesson I learned for this process is not to be afraid to ask for what you need. She has been very supportive and accommodating of my scheduling issues, within her boundaries of course, and I ended up seeing the right person and on a path to it working well for my schedule. Finding a way to make things that matter work and asking for what you need are two very important life lessons.

You may think that sharing something like seeing a therapist is too personal to share on a blog, and yes it is a very personal thing. I am sharing because I want every woman, mother or person for that matter to know that talking with someone in order to grow or heal or whatever your goal is not something shameful at all. On the contrary, talking about your feelings is the healthy way to deal with our problems. Much better than the variety of escapism methods available or taking it out on the people we love.

It is brave to face your demons head on and wise to know when we need more that we can provide ourselves.

As a matter of coincidence, the next tarot reading in my self inventory is all about relationships and how they will work out. How fitting that I am beginning a new relationship that I would love some insight on.

SI2008 – #11 How will this relationship turn out

This reading will be using the major arcana and cup cards we have been examining lately to take a looker depth at one of my relationships.

The Layout

For this reading I will be using the .

The cards in play are…

I-X of Cups
I-X of Trumps (Major Arcana)

Shuffle the cups and major arcana cards separately while concentrating on the question. Deal the top two major arcana cards into positions 1 & 2 (see ). Deal the top four cups into positions 3 through 6.

Shuffle the remaining major arcana and cups cards together while concentrating on the question. Deal the top four cards into positions 7 through 10.

The question: How will my relationship with my new therapist go?

The Spread

1. Covers You (current situation) – I Magician
2. Crosses You (challenges) – V Faith
3. Above You (what is possible) – VIII Cups
4. Below You (how you got here) – I Cups
5. Behind You (recent past) – IV Cups
6. Before You (what’s next) – III Cups
7. Who You Are – VII Chariot
8. Who They Want You to Be – IX Hermit
9. What You Want – II Priestess
10. What You Get – X Wheel

The Answer

You are taking a deliberate action. You have a strong desire to be in control. A magical moment is happening. You must commit fully and play by the rules for the relationship to last. You may be tempted to walk away.

This relationship formed suddenly. There is an instantaneous connection.

Just recently you listened to your gut. Coming up there is a celebration.

You make the moves and they want you to tell the truth. You want this to feel right and know that you made the right decision.

You will get out of this relationship what you put into it. It will have it’s ups and down, but is an honest, real relationship.

Sounds like the relationship I would like to have with a therapist. It shouldn’t always be easy, but it should be honest and the connection is essential.

 

The Cards

X Wheel – Covers You

My Take: A Magician sits in a throne. He holds an orb that shines a light upon a wand, cup, sword and coin in the shape of an infinity symbol. He has a very deliberate look on his face. It looks as if he is illuminating the fact that you have all the tools you need at your disposal and it is just up to you to act on it. You must make it happen yourself.

The Card: Education and training, transforming ideas into plans. The magician is a teacher and gives us invaluable advice about our path. This can represent either a person in your life that serves this purpose or it can refer to our inner inspiration that helps to to learn and gives us our flashes of genius. The four suit symbols represent different ways to approach something. The magician gives us the tools and helps us choose what mixture of these is the most appropriate for the situation.

V Faith – Crosses You

My Take: A man prays. There are many religious symbols in a glowing circle in front of him. This is a religious man, but their are many options available to him. I see this as the opportunity to explore a new way of thinking or belief system.

The Card: The faith card represents our ability to find meaning in things. To many this means religion, but it can also encompass all other points of view as well. We must beware of becoming to rigid or judgmental in our thinking.

VIII Cups – Above You – The best you can hope for given the current circumstances.

My Take: A figure walks up a set of steps to the far away moon. There are 8 cups at his feet and a black and white checkered floor. This cards always represents leaving something behind to me. You are choosing to climb the stairs and walk toward something new, but this also means leaving some things in your life behind.

The Card: Every time we choose one path, it means abandoning another. We look to the moon for new inspiration and leave the cups behind. The cups could represent and idea or project abandoned. It can also refer to a sense of restlessness of the unexplainable need to leave.

I Cups – Below You – How you got here

My take: A single cup sits on the water. The sky looks like sunrise. There is an intricate orb within the cup. One represents newness and cups represent relationships and emotions, so the one of cups means a new relationship to me.

The card: The potential of new relationships and/or emotions. The subconscious is handing you a new emotion, like a gift. A new emotion or relationship is about to begin.

IV Cups – Behind You – Recent past

My take: A figure sits naked in the grass, vulnerable and open to new possibilities. There are three cups on the ground and one in the sky, like it is being presented by the universe. He looks up to the cup in the sky, curious, but not yet ready to reach out an grab it as his hands are still hugging his knees. You are being presented with a new opportunity, but may not yet be fully ready to embrace it. Don’t miss this open door by contemplating too long. WRONG

The Card: This is the grass is always greener card. You may look to better your situation or be discontent with your current circumstances.

III Cups – Before You – Coming soon

My take: The are mardigras beads and masks as well as three cups on a floor with a golden sun on it. Four columns are in the background. This is a card about celebrations and parties. Being with friends. The masks may indicate that you are not ready to reveal everything just yet.

The card: This card represents celebrations and good fortune. Doing something nice for ourselves. Gatherings of all kinds, both formal and casual. Beware of overindulgence.

VII Chariot – Who You Are

My take: A man rides his chariot over a crashing wave, his steeds galloping through the water. There is a steel structure in the background reminiscent of an oil rig. For me, this card speaks to forward motion. Setting the wheels in motion. Moving strongly toward the goal. We just need to remember to keep ourselves grounded in the real world (the metal structure).

The card: The horses represent unbridled energy that must be directed and balanced by the man (you). The man is strong, proud and adventurous, maybe even a bit arrogant. The power in this card is the confidence that you can overcome any obstacle to achieve your goal. The structure represents the beginnings of putting things into context.

IX Hermit – Who they want you to be

My take: A bearded man sits, eyes shut, on the edge of a cliff. He holds a lighted staff. Sometimes we must take a break and get away in order to see more clearly. We look inside ourselves for the answers. We must be careful not to retreat too far and use the light to lead us back.

The card: Removing oneself to meditate on the current circumstances and gain perspective from examining ourselves. The light shines deep into the recesses of our minds to shine light on it’s mysteries. We need to remember though, that this step is part of the journey, not the end of the line.

II Priestess – What You Want

My take: The priestess is a mysterious card. She looks deep into the recesses of her subconscious for answers and represents our psychic connections. She seeks a deeper understanding of herself and her world.

The card: The priestess represents the path to our subconscious. The darkness of the card represents our fear of the knowledge our subconscious holds, or even the existence of it at all. The two pillars on the card represent the duality of our conscious existence, always categorizing things as one way or the other. Our subconscious cannot be directly confronted but must be approached through meditation and openness. Then and only then may we get a glimpse of what lays beyond.

X Wheel – What you get

My take: Although beautiful this card doesn’t speak to me clearly. The wheel looks like the innards of a clock and so reads as the wheel of time. All things come and go and so goes the wheel. I have more to learn about this card for sure.

The card: The wheel represents our fate, those things we don’t have control over. Change is coming. We must remember that although there are things in our life we can not control, there are many more that we can. We must not submit to the fates, not buck against them but find our way to our potential.

Reading Analysis:

– The magician could represent my therapist and my need for her to help me to wade through the clutter of my life, past present and future.

– Faith is the challenge that I face in this situation, so I will need to be open to new ways of thinking about things and look carefully for the meaning in things. I must be careful not to get stuck in my old beliefs.

– I am feeling a very strong urge to leave the past behind me and move forward on a new path. It is encouraging that this is in the what’s possible position, which means I actually might find that new path.

– I got here because all of these emotions surfaced for me and I sought out this new relationship. It is possible that this whole thing this summer, was my subconscious telling me it is time to make some changes.

– Recently I decided that my current path was not satisfying. I do often question why it is that I can’t be content with where I am. I have a great life. Why is it never enough?

– A party in my future? Hmmm.

– I do have confidence that I can accomplish my goals. I started this blog because I knew there must be more for me. It may not be an easy road, but I am confident that I can find my way.

– I relate greatly to the hermit. Numerologically it is the card that represents me and this makes sense as I am naturally a little introverted and introspective. In this context it represents what my therapist wants from me. In this I think it means I need to step back and gain some perspective.

– The end result of this is change. This reading has been full of the looking within cards, the priestess, the hermit, the wheel, the magician, faith, and the four of cups. The Wheel reminds me not to get too caught up in this, but that I have control over the outcome as well.

Note: The information in the “my take” and “reading analysis” sections are only my thoughts. I am learning and these may not fully represent the cards true meaning, just the feeling of card to me, which is a lot of what reading the tarot is about, but I write these before looking at the meaning of the card. Many of the cards that show up repeatedly in my readings are starting to solidify in their meanings for me and you will see that my descriptions of these cards are more consistent in my readings, but my take on cards that don’t show up as often are still evolving and changing in my mind and their descriptions will change over time. In the analysis portion I am practicing applying the cards to the specific circumstance. Please take everything I say about the cards with a grain of salt.

If your read my post, you have probably figured out that I have having some sort of psychotic break. No no, just kidding. But, I am going through a pretty difficult time. The whole reason I started this blog was to work out why I am feeling so lost and figure out who I am in this new life that I chose.

A couple of weeks ago, a minor incident caused a huge upset in my life. My disappointment and hurt feelings transformed into misdirected and overinflated anger and caused me to stop for a minute and consider what was really going on.

What I said in the post about not letting things build up because years of frustration and pain are really hard to deal with all at once is so true as I feel that much of the intensity of what is happening with me right now comes directly from hiding from myself and my issues for so long. But, there is more than that at work.

Over the last couple of weeks I have done some serious soul searching and have determined a couple of things.

1. It is time for me to find a good therapist. I spent a couple of years when I was younger in therapy to deal with my issues surrounding my parents divorce and also to try and eliminate some pretty self destructive behavior. Although this was crucial to my current success in life, what I learned to do was to set the bad feelings aside and concentrate on the good feelings.

This is sort of the foundation of cognitive-behavioral therapy, which is one of the most common forms and although I can not be certain, I assume the type of therapy I received so many years ago. They take the negative behaviors and circumstances and change the way the you look at them and think about them in a more positive way.

“The objectives of CBT typically are to identify irrational or maladaptive thoughts, assumptions and beliefs that are related to debilitating negative emotions and to identify how they are dysfunctional, inaccurate, or simply not helpful. This is done in an effort to reject the distorted cognitions and to replace them with more realistic and self-helping alternatives.” – Wikipedia

This is extremely effective in increasing a person’s ability to function in the real world and lead a productive and positive life and may definitely be enough for many, if not most, people. And, as I said, I owe a lot to this type of therapy, which enabled me to put aside the anger and hurt and move on with my life.

But what I am feeling now is like I put all those feelings and consequently most of the negative feelings I have had throughout the subsequent years into a drawer and closing it, seeking to avoid slipping into those hurt feelings and negative emotions, no matter what they involve. The drawer squeaks open now and then and I shove a couple more things in and then close the drawer again.

Well, now the drawer is so full that it won’t close any more. It is now time for me to figure out how to empty out the drawer and deal with, live with, or get rid of whatever is in there.

I have been working on finding a therapist since the day, but this is definitely easier said than done. Finding someone who resonates with your belief system (no christian counseling please – geez, is everyone pushing their christianity these days – oops angry words), fits in with your schedule and within your network and actually has time to see you is really difficult. Be patient and active, that’s the mantra.

2. I am very much trying to own my emotions and to truly feel them, even if they are not entirely rational. Feelings are real, in any state and they shouldn’t be pushed aside. I am very overwhelmed by the emotional state I am in right now, but am crying when I need to cry and expressing my feelings either out loud or with words so that I can embrace all that is me.

Remaining in control and not starting down a destructive path is very important, but so is feeling all of this in a safe supportive environment. I want to feel whole and happy and motivated and inspired.

3. It is time for me to embrace who I am. I am a little quirky, a little introverted, and a lot of other really great things too. I am who I am and although life is a journey of change and hopefully improvement, I am proud of the person that I am. It takes great strength to come from where I was to where I am and I need to stop trying to be what everyone else expects of me and just be me.

In that vain, I am going to stop pussy footing around on this blog and just say what I have to say. That’s what this was supposed to be about after all, yet I have found myself tempering myself as to appear in a certain manner and by doing that, not really representing myself.

4. It is time to get my shit together and my life somewhat organized and working more smoothly. I am never going to find the time or energy to do whatever great things my future holds for me if I can’t even handle what I have now. Now, I know that more time will naturally come and that I can’t underestimate the demands of two kids 4 and 1, but there are self defeating patterns that I have propagated throughout my daily existence and it is time for those things to change. A little determination is in order and I am tired of feeling hopeless. Get moving.

When it comes right down to it, it is about feeling comfortable in my own skin. That is what I am working toward.