self conscious

Every year (for the past 15) over the Memorial Day weekend, a large group of friends from college go camping (if you can really call it that) at Banks Lake in eastern Washington.  This year we had the best weather ever, 80s and sunny and perfect every day.  It has never been better.

The problem with this was that I knew it was coming.  Karli is kinda weather obsessed so we were watching the weather starting like 2 weeks before hand.  How could knowing we were going to have beautiful weather the whole weekend be bad?  It meant I needed to buy a bathing suit.

Now, buying a bathing suit is awful when you feel great about yourself.  I haven’t even thought of putting on a bathing suit in years and the idea of walking around in front of anyone showing any amount of skin was terrifying.

I probably tried on 40 suits in several different stores and had two pretty severe break downs due to the stress of it all.  This was not a small feat for me.  But, in the end I did find one that didn’t make me feel totally humiliated. I still had no plans to let anyone see me in it and proceeded to buy cover-ups and shorts and skirts and tanks to keep me covered up.

But you know what, when it came down to it, I got over it and by Monday I was floating around in an inner-tube drinking my beer not feeling self conscious at all.  Huge breakthrough for me.

I think I made a large move toward being comfortable in my body as it is and starting to love myself in it.   This is the first step of success in The Gabriel Method.

This may seem like a baby step, but for me it was  a giant leap.

Mommy and Ada Play in the Water

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I can not seem to get a grasp on what is up with me these days. I have had a lot more energy lately, easily keeping the house clean, playing with the kids, even reupholstering my dining room chairs. But this week, I just feel uninspired.

I have felt really self conscious this week, second guessing everything that comes out of my mouth, feeling like everyone in the room thinks I’m a total idiot.

My therapist says that it could be premenstrual, that many women feel that way before our favorite time of the month. This is not an unfamiliar feeling for me, but I never tied it to that before. The timing is right, any day now. We’ll have to see if it goes away afterwards.

I guess this could explain why I am not inspired or motivated to write or work this week. If I say anything or build anything or design anything, I will have to spend the next several hours or days wondering if what I said or did was right or offending or if someone is going to think poorly of me because of it.

Why is it that I just can’t sit comfortably with myself? Why do I worry so much about what others think, while at the same time repeating to myself how little others opinions matter to me.

I know that I am not the type of person that everyone likes. I am not bubbly or outgoing and I don’t play the mommy social game well. But, why is it that I have such a hard time meeting and making friends with other moms. Probably because I am so damn self conscious or do I think that because I’m self conscious? Where did that come from?

See, so uninspired, nothing but blathering to contribute. God, could I be more self deprecating.

I’ll be back once I’m done feeling sorry for myself.