sadness

Last night the most horrific thing happened.  I still can’t believe it was real, that he is really gone, that it all happened the way that it did.  I don’t really know if I am even ready to tell the story.  I have been spending most of my time trying to pretend it didn’t happen or not to think about it too much as too avoid the return of the shock and horror.

Ok, I am going to give it a go…

Last night, Matt and Teresa came over for dinner as they do almost every weekend and for the duration of the evening, we ate and talked and laughed and carried on as we usually do.  Around 11:30 they left and Karli and I prepared to go to bed.  Karli went to call in the cats as he usually does before bed and he called me to the door. 

There was a coyote standing in the middle of the road under the street lamp.  Wow, I don’t know if I can do this…

We watched the coyote in awe, we couldn’t figure out what he was doing.  He would come to the shadows of our yard and then run across the street again.  Then one time he left our yard he carried the limp body of our dear Henry across the street and up the culdesac across from us.  

We just stood there, what the hell just happened.  Did we really just see that?  Was it really Henry?  And then it gets worse.  We can see the coyote in the road across the street and he is eating my cat.

We were torn and paralyzed.  Do we chase him off?   Do we really want to see our little Henry that way?  Eventually, Karli took a shovel and went out to take a closer look and yes it was Henry, but he was completely gutted and Karli couldn’t bring himself to get any closer.  

I can’t really describe to you how we felt at this moment.  We were frozen.  Then I was terrified for Oscar.  He still hadn’t come home.  I didn’t feel like I could just leave him out there.  We came inside to think for a minute and after a few minutes, we looked outside and coyote had come and taken Henry out of the street and off into the woods.  Maybe better that way?

Now it’s almost one in the morning.  What do we do?  I just laid there in bed and stared at the ceiling, my stomach churning.  Neither one of us has really knows how to feel and is somewhat alarmed and concerned about the lack of tears and deep sadness.

I almost wonder if it has something to do with the abrupt and shocking instant closure.  There was no wondering or worrying or trips to the vet.  It just was what it was.  Shocking, horrifying and so terribly awful that there is little left to feel.

We also struggle with what to tell Ada.  Henry stayed pretty clear of the kids, preferring our company to that of high energy and grabby though gentle kids.  I also didn’t really trust him with them as he has been known to get aggressive if he doesn’t like what you are doing so I didn’t encourage them with him the same way I did with Oscar and Pella.  So, she hasn’t asked about him or for him.  I don’t know how to handle this.  Do I say something now or wait for her to ask about him?  What story do I tell her?  Some toned down version of the truth I think is best, but is it better just to leave it be unless she asks?  I really just don’t know right now.

Our Henry was a wonderful cat.  He was our first pet together and was with us for over 12 years.  He loved to snuggle and was so happy for the love that he would forget to swallow and end up drooling all over you.  He slept right between us each night and couldn’t wait for someone to sit down so he could claim your lap as his own.   He had this way of smiling all the way to his eyes.  Henry and Karli had a great bond and he was really Karli’s cat in the way that pets usually choose one to attach to.  We miss him so much.

Click on the thumbnails below for full size images.

   Henry henryHenry with Nana and baby Ian

Goodbye my sweet boy.

Well, I have had another very emotional day.  It’s amazing what small things can bring me to my knees these days.  Just yesterday,  I was feeling so good.  I was feeling strong, I was sleeping well (well better anyway), I was having fun with the kids, I felt in control and like progress was being made.  And today, I am back to a puddle of tears and anxiety.

Why is it that I allow something so inconsequential to get me so riled up?  Probably because it isn’t inconsequential.  Not because of the specific situation but because of the feelings of loss that it brings up in me.  Loss is a very sad emotion.  It’s one that I’m not sure I have ever fully addressed.

The good thing is that I am feeling the sadness, boy am I feeling it.  And it is all muddled with anger and resentment and the need to slug someone in the gut.  The problem with this kind of emotion is that it interferes with everything.

It seeps into all the little crevices of your life and start to mess with you.  It’s just wrong.  But it needs to be done.  Opening a nest of pent up emotion is a scary thing and not always the most pleasant for those that you love, but it needs to be dealt with.  I have no choice to but face it all and look it directly in the eye.  Be brave.  Be brave.  Be brave.

I also know what needs to be done to put all this current messy business behind me as well, but doing it is also pretty scary business.  I am wired for flight and turning to face my fears is not something I do with ease.  I am a person who has walked through life in fear.    Not any more.

Sometimes what needs to be done, just needs to be done.  Sometimes there is no salvaging it.  And sometimes, even if you could salvage it, that isn’t the right or best thing to do.  I am done with situations that are not healthy for me.  I am done pushing my true self aside to please others.  I am done feeling bad about who I am.  I’m just done.  I want it over with.  I am ready to move on.  Too bad that all comes with a bunch of ugly consequences.

Just for the record, this has nothing to do with my marriage.  Karli is my rock and I would be huddled in a corner right now if it weren’t for him.  He is everything a husband should be and so much more.  I wish everyone had the opportunity to walk through life with their soul mate.

Someone told me something really important once and I repeat it to myself often.

I have everything that I need and I am getting better and better every day.

I am grateful and hopeful and full of love.