resolve

Let’s get real here.  I feel weak.  I doubt my ability to do this and I am self sabotaging like you would not believe.  Yet one more thing that terrifies me.  I am so tired of being afraid.  I don’t even know what I am so damn scared of.  I just walk around wallowing in my own fear.

If you have been reading this blog for awhile then you know that I am recovering from postpartum depression and have been seeing a therapist for the last six months.  Just yesterday she was telling me how fearless I am in my therapy, how strong I am and how dedicated I am to getting better. It is my disgust with this fear and doubt that drives me to do more and dig deeper in therapy, but it is moments like this that also show me that I have so far to go.  Why is it that I can be so fearless and committed to that, but so weak and afraid when it comes to committing to my own health.

I need to remind myself how far I have come.  I am no longer depressed or having panic attacks.  I have down days, but nothing like it used to be.  That is a long way to come from where I was, which was in a very dark hole, alone and broken.  I took no medication to accomplish this, but faced it head on and worked through it.  This is a huge accomplishment and I am proud of it.

But with that said, there are many more issues to tackle, not the least of which is my inability to fully commit.  This is the issue affecting this particular process for me.   When I choose something, I feel very committed to it and it starts off that way, but as obstacles pop up and it gets a little tougher my resolve dwindles and I slowly lose my willingness to do what it takes. 

One of the main tenants of The Gabriel Method is not to bring cheating into it.  Don’t think of it as taking away, but as adding.  This is all fine and dandy, but when I break down and scarf a jumbo jack in the car on the way home from a particularly tough therapy session or find myself six deep in mini peanut butter cups after a phone call with my mother, I feel like I have failed, like I cheated and then it all goes down hill from there.  Let the closet binge eating begin.

This is hard for me to say, but last night I was watching the biggest loser and they were talking about the habits that got them to the point where they were when they started the show and I can see those habits in myself.  I am not there yet, still just in the overweight category, but I can see how it gets there.

I weighed myself this morning because I felt I needed to.  I couldn’t control my urge to know the bad news, like I needed to feel guilty about it.  Up three pounds.  Now, I do not blame The Gabriel Method for this, in fact he even says in his book that you might gain a few pounds in the beginning as you break the cycle of shame that goes along with food.   This is my fault, I didn’t dedicate myself to doing what Jon said every day.  I didn’t follow the rules, however simple they were.   I let my life and my fears interfere with my commitment.  Classic me.

There is positive growth to be seen in this first month though.  I have learned quite a bit about eating healthier and think a lot about how to make sure I am getting the main three things in my meals (protein, omega and live food).  I have even been pretty good about breakfast, but not every day.  I have done really all the things he instructs for month one, just not consistently.  Again, lack of true commitment.

I want to commit, I want to give over to the process.  In order for things to truly change you need to commit to the process for the whole month, or 21 days really.  But that doesn’t mean half ass for a month, that means every day.

So where to go from here.  I feel like I should start over, because I am not ready to add on at this point.  I don’t feel like I have made the month one steps second nature, which is the point or breaking it down that way.  I am already overwhelmed, adding more just seems like a good way to self sabotage at this point.

I do know that I need to go back and read the book from cover to cover again.  I also saw on Jon’s website that you can contact Jon directly so I think I might do that.  

Well, sorry that I don’t have fantastic news of miraculous weight loss to share at the end of month 1, but I am not giving up.    I am confident that this is the right program for me, I just need to find a way to truly commit myself.  I will update in the next couple of days as I figure out what my new plan is.

Buy The Gabriel Method book now!