passing out

Well,  as if  to smack me and remind me not to let my guard down, the universe threw me a doozy yesterday.  In a way, I think it was a test.

You see,  I pass out.  I pass out when I hurt myself.  I pass out when other people hurt themselves.  I pass out when people on TV hurt themselves (no ER – the TV show – for me).  I pass out when other people talk about hurting themselves.  I pass out when I work too hard and eat too little.  I even pass out for no apparent reason.  

It is some function of my low blood pressure, I think.  I don’t really know.  I am definately going to bring it up with my therapist and my doctor though because after yesterday, I need to do something.

Because of this, my worst fear as a parent is that something will happen to my kids and I won’t be able to help them.  
And this fear is not unjustified.  I have been lucky up until now that there has been someone there to help me.   

But yesterday, I was all by myself.  

I am not going to go into details about what happened because it just isn’t important to this story.  The short of it was that he hurt himself badly enough that I felt we needed to go to the ER and that he is just fine.  An x-ray and an ace bandage and he acts like nothing ever happened.  While he flirted with nurses, I quietly tried to calm myself and fight back the tears.

But I did it.  All by myself, without anyone to help me and without actually losing conciousness.  I did have to pull the car over once to avoid passing out and wrecking the car, but we got there.

I called Karli right after it happened and he left work immediately to meet me at the hospital.  I can’t even tell you how much I needed him right then.  I just kept telling myself that he would be there soon and I just had to make it a few more minutes.  Little did I know that he was stuck in traffic and wouldn’t arrive until we were leaving the hospital two hours later.   There was no phone service in the hospital so I wasn’t getting his calls and couldn’t send a text message.  I can’t imaging sitting in traffic, not knowing what was going on.  He was so scared.

But, the fact that it took him two hours to go a distance it should have taken him no more than 45 minutes to go in the worst traffic confirms that I was meant to go this one alone.

Although I think I passed the test, this was minor and there was no blood.  I can’t help but think what might have happened if… 

What I do know is that it is time for me to figure out why I do this and try to fix it if I can.  

The work never stops or even takes a break, huh?