lesson

Because I am one of the bare all – no holds barred bloggers who believes that sharing my life honestly is the right thing to do for both me and my readers, I feel it is very important to applaud others who do the same.

Not only is Tasha a brave and amazing blogger, she speaks to a topic that is close to my heart and a message that I think it is important for you, my readers, to hear as well. She learned to listen to her body and do what was best for her, even when it bumped up against everything she believed in and thought was right and true in the world.

Read Her Story

Life is not black and white and you can not and should not believe everything you read and hear. I am always amazed how we can suspend the use of our perfectly healthy and functioning brains to feed our belief systems. One thing I have learned over the last couple of years of struggling with my own battle with depression, anxiety and a bunch of familial bullshit is that no matter how much you believe something to be true that is not always the case.

It is so important that we learn to trust ourselves. Our minds and bodies yearn to speak to us, to tell us what is right and true for us, but so often we ignore them. We ignore that we are tired or sad or not feeling well and all the little ailments that we attribute to our lives or getting older or whatever our excuses might be.  We push aside our uneasy feelings and that little nagging tug that something here is hinky.  In reality all these little things are our bodies ways of speaking to us, of telling us that something isn’t right and that we should take a good look at how we are living and what changes our hearts know we need to make.

Instead of listening to these warnings, more times than not we ignore them until they turn into monsters that come back and bite us, sometimes with devastating consequences.  My mind and body were screaming and I just blatently ignored it, shoved it down until my whole world exploded.  Not necessarly the best way to go about it.

Read how Tasha learned this very same lesson

Learning this important lesson comes to each of us in it’s own way.  For Tasha it was her Vegan-ism, as much a doctrine as a lifestyle choice in her mind.  For each of us it will always be something personal and most likely painful.  Facing our personal truth is certainly not an easy task, but one that faced with bravery and an open heart will forever make us and everyone we touch better for it.

There are many things that I could say about being vegan or how I feel about the importance of quality natural animal protein sources, but I think the bigger lesson here is that if you listen, your mind and body will tell you what you need.  And if you refuse to listen, it will just yell louder, believe me.

And just one more little rant.  Be very careful how you judge others and what you believe from so-called experts.  We each have our own beliefs and our own reasons for them.  Do your own research, and I mean real research – not just asking your friend or your favorite talk show host, and listen to your gut.  If someone seems all over the top about stuff, there is probably a reason for it that has absolutely nothing to do with you.   And if you disagree about something with someone, no matter how vehemently, remember to have some respect.  Being an asshole only hurts you in the long run.

A while back a dear friend of mine from my former life reached out to me on facebook.  After reading my blog, he mentioned how much I had changed and how somehow I was still that girl he used to know.  I have to admit I am curious what exactly he meant by that.  

What a unique perspective he has.  To have known me so well at a time when I was so young, so broken, so sad.  I hope that the things he remembers about me are the good things and that those might not have changed and that he can forgive me.  

Seeing all these people on facebook from a time in my life I now refer to as the dark years has brought up a bit of stuff for me.  It reminds me from time to time of the mistakes I made, the people I hurt and the pain I felt.  But, the vast majority of the memories are of small moments, kindness, good times, adventures, lessons learned and love.  It makes me nervous to reach out to those who may only remember my transgressions or worse, not remember at all.

Thank you for influencing me and helping  me and loving me and leaving me.  Each one of you contributed to my ability to come out the other side, prepared me for all the joys and challenges that lay before me.  I learned so much from you and the glimmers of light find a warm home in my memory and heart.

  • A rescued eyelash
  • A mixed tape from a foreign land
  • A safe place when I needed one
  • A back rub, bubble bath and talks into the wee hours of the night
  • A hero in my darkest place
  • A car dance and a sing along
  • A fit of giggles to rival no others
  • A strong and kind voice when I really needed one.

To each of you who crossed my path, entered my life, spent time with me, held my hand and left or were left behind.  Thank-you and I’m Sorry.

I am very excited about working with my new therapist.  She is really helping me to put my current situation into perspective and to see the positive things that are coming of it rather than dwelling on how hard it can be at times.  

I believe that I am in the middle of learning some big life lesson and although I don’t have a complete handle on exactly what is going on I feel that it has something to do with learning to set boundaries and feel ok about stating what I need.  When we discuss things going on in my life right now, there are some common threads (things that I keep saying over and over), including that I don’t feel that I am being heard as well as issues around boundary setting.

To get at the root of where these feelings are coming from, where in my past they originated, and how best to move past my issues and move forward in my life on a more directed and purposeful path, we are going to use a variety of techniques beyond just hashing it out over and over again.  

I am having some pretty exaggerated emotional responses to the pretty straight forward issues I’m dealing with right now, so I think that there has to be something more going on here.  Something from my past rearing its head or a brick wall that I have to fight through in order to learn a life lesson that will enable me to find that path to a fulfilling, balanced life that I so eagerly seek and find so elusive.

One of the therapy techniques we are using requires I come up with a simple memory from each year of my life. The memory should be neutral to positive and not induce any serious emotion of any sort, just a pleasant memory.  

I can’t say that I totally understand how this is all going to work yet, but it sure was interesting making this list.  Some years were definitely easier than others.  There were some pretty dark areas of my life that I struggled to find a positive memory for.  Not that great memories don’t come out of some of the darkest times, but finding something that wasn’t tied to someone or something that was going to dredge up the negative things associated with that time was sometimes rather tricky.

The numbers correspond with my age at the time and I have added the years in brackets once I hit my 20s because it is easier to reference it that way.  My therapist said that when we hit our mid twenties we start identifying more with what year it is and less with how old we are.  Makes sense, i guess, who wants to dwell on how old they are past 25, right?

This is what I came up with.  

4  –  Sitting on the hearth in front of the fireplace Christmas morning with my Grandpa in our Christmas jammies.

5 – Eating pomegranates on the playground

6 – Decorating my bike for the fourth of July parade

7 – Earthquake evacuation drills (we lived in northern California at the time)

8 – Meeting Lizzie on the first day of school

9 – Having pizza with my math teacher

10 – Building the pasture fence with my dad

11 – Braiding the horses manes with the other riders in my barn before horse shows

12 – My first kiss

13 – Going to Disneyland with my choir

14 – 9th grade graduation

15 – Riding in the back of Kris’s brat

16 – Braiding our hair at Tegan’s house

17 – Driving out to the valley in Joanne’s convertible listening to Violator

18  – The green shag carpet in my first apartment

19  – Watching 90210 at Lauri and Tiff’s

20  – Learning to Rock Climb in my systems class.

21  – Climbing a tree with Karli my first trip to Bellingham

22  – Drawing in art class

23 – Coming home from School everyday to Karli, Jason and Lucus on the couch

24  – Meeting Sarah

25  – Smoking Cigarettes in the garden behind CUH with Sarah

26 (99/00) – Propagating plants in the greenhouse.  Oh, how I loved the greenhouse

27 (00/01)- Getting married

28 (01/02) – Buying our house

29 (02/03) – Taking my first business trip –  to Las Vegas

30 (03/04) – Going to the cabin with Matt and Teresa

31 (04/05) – Sitting in the quad at the UW

32 (05/06) – Little Gym

33 (06/07) – Finding out I was pregnant, again

34 (07/08) – Our road trip to California

35 (present) – Karli and I building the deck

 

This was actually a really interesting and fun way to look back over my life.  Remembering the past and sifting through all the emotionally charged memories in our lives to find those simple moments when all was right in the world is very therapeutic.  I encourage you all to give it a try.