I’m not hungry. I use to always have some level of hunger, that “I could eat” feeling, pretty much all the time. Now I don’t even think about food until I’m actually hungry and sometimes even then I have to force myself to eat something because real hunger isn’t something that I am used to, it feels different – not so urgent.
It’s funny how many things are pointing me in the right direction. Hmm that’s funny. I tend to write in stream of consciousness and then come back and edit and rewrite. What I meant to say was “the same direction” but what I wrote was “the right direction”. Guess that tells me something in and of itself.
It’s kinda weird. I look in the mirror and see the same body that has been there, maybe a little thinner but I think that is just the fat goggles being removed.
But I feel thinner, especially through my middle where I carry most of my weight.
Over this last week I have been noticing some subtle, yet important, changes in the way I feel. Because the emotional and self perception issues are so huge for me, I have vowed not to weigh myself or even measure myself until October. I am letting go of numbered results and concentrating on how I feel and healing myself.
Every year (for the past 15) over the Memorial Day weekend, a large group of friends from college go camping (if you can really call it that) at Banks Lake in eastern Washington. This year we had the best weather ever, 80s and sunny and perfect every day. It has never been better.
The problem with this was that I knew it was coming. Karli is kinda weather obsessed so we were watching the weather starting like 2 weeks before hand. Now how could knowing we were going to have beautiful weather the whole weekend be bad? It meant I needed to buy a bathing suit.
After the events of the past week I have come to determine that my frustration over my lack of measurable progress (a.k.a. weight loss) really comes down to the fact that I am jumping the gun. As long as I have all this emotional baggage the weight will not come off, no matter what I do.
After over a week of rededicating myself to The Gabriel Method, I am feeling better and better about it.
It’s a funny thing about fear. Sometimes when you say it out loud and face it directly it recedes and sometimes even dissapears all together.
I would like to thank everyone for the unexpected and very much appreciated outpouring of support. Your words of encouragement made a really bad day a whole lot better and gave me the confidence to push past it. Thank-you.
I wish I could say my fear is gone forever, but alas that simply isn’t how it is in this case. But, by owning my weaknesses I have come to understand them a little better and can now move forward with my eyes open.
So after that particularly negative and self loathing post about my progress, I went looking for a support forum.
Let’s get real here. I feel weak. I doubt my ability to do this and I am self sabotaging like you would not believe. Yet one more thing that terrifies me. I am so tired of being afraid. I don’t even know what I am so damn scared of. I just walk around wallowing in my own fear.
