Sometimes I will even find myself in the fridge looking for something to eat just because it is habit and then realize that nothing sounds good because I’m not hungry. And now, instead of shoving something in my mouth just to feel better, I close the door and walk away. Usually it is just boredom or thirst, so I have a glass of water and engage in something.
The one exception is the afternoon, when I inevitably still get my daily sweet craving. I have been better about the fruit and nut snack in the afternoon, but I still find I am getting urges to stop for a chocolate milkshake or an apple fritter. Most days I don’t, but I still do sometimes.
The other day I was reading some older posts on the Gabriel Method Forum that I frequent and a woman was talking about how she had switched to flax oil for her omega and her cravings and hunger had returned, so she switched back to fish oil and it all went away again. I haven’t used flax oil (I prefer to grind them fresh), but I did notice that when I forget to take my omega pills, everything goes a little wonky.
Taking omega fish oil pills really curbs my cravings and keeps me on track. When I remember to take my supplements that afternoon craving is usually mild and the fruit does the trick, but If I forget to take them with lunch then watch out. I guess concentrating on remembering to take my supplements needs to be a higher priority.
Why is it so hard for me to form a habit and be consistent about it? Not beating myself up, just wondering. It can be pretty damn frustrating sometimes. This is one of the major things I concentrate on during my visualizations. It will come.
Lately it seems like my whole life is interconnected like a big web instead of being all these disconnected legs like it used to be. Information from all different directions is correlating and relating in uncanny ways.
We talk about something at therapy and then I come home and read a totally unrelated novel before bed and the story relates directly.
I read something in The Gabriel Method
Conversations are overlapping. I am having a lot of those moments where you say “Wow, I was just talking/thinking/reading about that earlier”.
I think that this is an excellent sign that I am moving in the right direction and doing the right things. I believe that when the universe speaks so directly to you it is very wise to listen carefully and to learn more.
But I feel thinner, especially through my middle where I carry most of my weight.
The fat there has always felt like heavy weights, holding me back and weighing me down.
I’m not exactly sure how to explain it, but it feels almost like when you suck your stomach in. Tight and strong. But, it feels like this all the time. The fat is still there, it just doesn’t feel so heavy, more like it is just sitting on top of this new thinner me.
It’s almost like I can feel that thin me inside there, just waiting to come out. Hmmm. Curious and a little exciting.
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Over the Memorial Day Weekend I had a big breakthrough on becoming comfortable with my body as it is. I even stated out loud that I would be fine to stay this way forever as long as I didn’t gain any more, a very important step according to Jon. I have listened to the CD before going to sleep every night except one over the last two weeks and have changed the way I do the visualizations.
When I visualize the following days, I concentrate mostly on being happy. I say “Tomorrow I am going to be happy”. I say this several times and then I see myself doing any really important things I have to get done the next day as well as the habit I am working on right now. Right now that is remembering to take my supplements. I also try to fit in the love, appreciation and forgiveness visualizations that Jon describes whenever I can or is appropriate. As I result I have been feeling a lightness around me, happier, more patient, more feelings. I even feel more productive in a different way than usual and I find it hard to explain.
I got the idea to change the focus of my visualizations from a book I am reading right now on the 2012 prophesies (The Mystery Of 2012
Although some of the articles are quite dense and others are a little far fetched, it has been really interesting to explore this time we live in as a time of significant change. One of the essays that is about spirituality talks about being happy versus being good and how being happy and radiating unconditional love into the world (things Jon also encourages) can transform us not only as individuals but also as a global society. Here are several quotes from the essay “Wild Love Sets Us Free” by Gill Edwards
Most of us have internalized a cold, critical, repressive inner voice…that tells us how to behave, constantly criticizes us, keeps our noses to the grindstone, and squashes or denies our true feelings… To the extent that we give our power to this inner judge, we are tamed and locked away. We feel trapped and disempowered…The inevitable result is anxiety, depression, physical illness, dysfunctional relationships, or a pervasive joylessness that we cannot explain. — The Mystery of 2012 p. 245
This just struck me like a brick to the head.
Whenever we split the world into good and bad, conflict and neurosis are inevitable. Our energy becomes split or divided. Whenever we pride ourselves on saying “no” to a cream cake, working through our lunch break, or pleasing our partner at the expense of our own feelings, we are bowing to the old cosmology. Trying to be good stems from a dualistic way of thinking. It is based upon judgement, or conditional love. It fuels self-righteousness, which means someone is “in the right” and someone else is “in the wrong”–some part of self is right (the judge within) and another part is bad and wrong (our feelings, thoughts and desires). This inner conflict will be mirrored in conflict with others. Splitting ourselves internally leads to projecting our shadow onto others…This dynamic creates a huge proportion of the misery in the world and blocks our natural ability to love with an open heart and speak honestly without blame or defensiveness. — The Mystery of 2012 p. 248-9
She goes onto discuss how this can effect us as a whole society and even globally. Our outlook and attitude effects the world around us. Why not give love and positive creative energy to the universe rather than negative unproductive energy. Maybe if I learn to love unconditionally and be truly happy I will also be able to improve the communication in my marriage and be more patient with my kids, have more tolerance with others and less judgement bringing positivity not only to myself but to everyone I interact with.
When we aim to be happy…we give off vibrations of self-love, self-worth, and appreciation, and our relationships mirror this by becoming deeper, happier and more authentic. In other words, much of what we have been taught about “what love means”–self-sacrifice, putting others first, being loyal to others at the expense of our own feelingz or authenticity, or feeling entitlex to have others behave as we wish them to–actually leads us away from loving relationships and into the twilight prison of codependency. It leads us toward tame love, which constantly slips into toxic cycles of control and sacrifice, blame and guilt. Tame love splinters our awareness and strangles our potential. It holds us hostage… — The Mystery of 2012 p. 250-1
I started to think that creating a life that not only makes me happy, but also makes my family and friends happy and leads to living an authentic and giving life, may lie in my happiness, that I have the ability to create change and improvements by loving myself and radiating love outward.
Instead of seeing life as a harsh training school for wayward souls, or a karmic wheel from which we might eventually escape (if we are good or lucky enough), or merely a statistical accident with no inherent meaning or purpose, we instead see life as a wondrous gift. We are not here to be good or perfect. We are not here to prove ourselves worthy. We are not here to serve others (at our own expense) or to save the world. We do not have to earn or deserve love. We do not have to “behave well” or conform to external rules and expectations. In a loving universe, we can relax. We are safe. We are worthy. We are loved without condition. We are cosmic voyagers on a magnificent adventure in physical reality and…we can have, do, or be anything we wish. No limits. No strings attached… The key to doing so is unconditional love–for self, others, and the world. — The Mystery of 2012 p. 256-7
It sounds a little idealistic, even to me, but that is a world I would like to live in. A peaceful, loving, accepting world where we live together with respect and love for one another.
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The problem with this was that I knew it was coming. Karli is kinda weather obsessed so we were watching the weather starting like 2 weeks before hand. How could knowing we were going to have beautiful weather the whole weekend be bad? It meant I needed to buy a bathing suit.
Now, buying a bathing suit is awful when you feel great about yourself. I haven’t even thought of putting on a bathing suit in years and the idea of walking around in front of anyone showing any amount of skin was terrifying.
I probably tried on 40 suits in several different stores and had two pretty severe break downs due to the stress of it all. This was not a small feat for me. But, in the end I did find one that didn’t make me feel totally humiliated. I still had no plans to let anyone see me in it and proceeded to buy cover-ups and shorts and skirts and tanks to keep me covered up.
But you know what, when it came down to it, I got over it and by Monday I was floating around in an inner-tube drinking my beer not feeling self conscious at all. Huge breakthrough for me.
I think I made a large move toward being comfortable in my body as it is and starting to love myself in it. This is the first step of success in The Gabriel Method
This may seem like a baby step, but for me it was a giant leap.
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I just went back and read the emotional obesity chapters of the book and all of it applied to me. He asks several questions to help you identify whether this issue is holding you back and if it is insists that it be addressed before you ever even discuss eating habits, cravings exercise and past successes and failures. After the emotional issues have been addressed and resolved then a plan can be put into place to address the rest of it.
The questions go something like this…
- Does being thin feel safe to you?
- Can you imagine yourself thin?
- If someone gives you a compliment on your appearance, does it make you feel happy and confident or threatened and uneasy?
The last two definitely apply to me and the first one just confuses me so I’m guessing that means I can count that one too. Since I started this whole thing the body visualization has always been the hardest for me. I just can’t see myself as that thin person. The thing that weirds me out about that is that I used to be thin, at times very thin. So you wouldn’t think that imagining myself like that again would be so difficult. The brain is a bazaar entity.
I have been noticing over the last couple of weeks (and I think where that desperate sad post from last week came from) that even though I am mentally really dedicated to this and have logically set up my environment for success, I find every way and excuse I can to sabotage the process.
- I “forget” to take my supplements
- I sneak food. I will scarf down a burger or milkshake, candy or doughnut and then hide the evidence.
- I will make up any excuse I can to avoid exercising, even going to yoga, which I love, or a hike with the dog, which is empowering, relaxing and really rewarding. If there is some reason I can come up with I will take it.
- I tell myself that just going to sleep (without the CD) will feel good and make me more motivated the next day.
I even avoided reading the emotional section of the book with any focus or meaning. I just skimmed through it. Today I read every word.
When I have talked to my therapist about my weight, she always says don’t worry about it now, you have enough on your plate. Do the emotional work and then deal with the weight.
Another advisor of mine reminded me that I simply need to find out why it is that I don’t feel worthy and correct that and then everything will fall into place as it should. It is only me that is holding me back.
With the Life Path Integration therapy we are doing it is even possible that we will be able to target whatever the emotional trigger might be and fix it. It always amazes me how the universe will provide you with all the tools you need if you just listen closely enough. Many things have been coming to me from many different directions lately and thankfully I am aware enough to be grabbing them.
Karli has also encouraged me to give the emotional stuff more time and stop worrying so much about the physical stuff. Now that I am feeling better and motivated and productive for the first time in a long time, I am finding it very hard not to want to tackle everything all at once, to take on more than I can handle. I feel like I am fighting in every direction and that I may simply just need to give into the process. Pretty hard to do for a total control freak.
I am so grateful that my husband is supportive of me through all this. He has had his moments of frustration and worry and even a few in anger and hurtfulness, as is only natural when you spouse is going through something like this. He tries his best to encourage me and prod me to work a little harder.
Every logical part of me thinks it’s fantastic that I have a husband who loves me the way I am and truly cares about my well being. But emotionally I think I kinda resent him for it and rebel against it. This is hard to say, a sort of it’s not you it’s me scenario, but I think I might have to tell him to stop with the encouragement, because just like when we were trying to quit smoking, the gentle nudges and reminders, the words of encouragement in my head remind me that I am failing rather than reminding me that I can succeed. This is something I need to work on, but in the meantime, I think we just need to drop the whole thing for a while, let me heal what’s broken without any added pressure.
Jon says in his book that while he was gaining the weight, his wife never said a word about it and that when he was ready, he felt he was better prepared to lose the weight because of that.
So, I concentrate on the emotional part and keep preparing my body from a biochemical standpoint so that I will be that much more ahead of the game once I can really target my eating and exercise habits. I just feel like I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself.
To all of you looking to the Gabriel Method as a magic pill, I am sorry. I don’t have instant results to report, or really any weight loss at all. I can tell you that it is helping me to change my life, to learn about myself and face my fears and tackle the emotional crap that has had me by the throat for most of my life. It is also helping me learn what it feels like to be a healthy person, teaching my body that it feels good to be nourished and that eating foods that mess with your chemistry makes you tired and cranky and feel generally icky.
This is my first step and the thought that on the other side of this journey I could be not only thinner and more fit, but also a more whole and emotional healthy person is very exciting to me.
I am going to keep taking the supplements and integrating healthy foods into my diet, but I am throwing out the schedule and week 1 week 2 month 1 stuff for a while until I can answer the questions above with confidence and positivity. Fixing myself needs to be my priority right now. I have made huge progress, I just need to finish it before I start worrying about pounds and waist measurements and scheduled regimented programs.
I’m ok if I stay this weight forever, as long as I don’t gain any more. (those of you who have read the book will understand the meaning and gravity of this statement)
So here is the new plan (because I wouldn’t really be me if I didn’t have one)…
- Keep working hard at therapy and stop distracting us with day to day bullshit. I have demons to fight so let’s get on with it.
- Listen to the CD every night, no excuses, no exceptions
- Start reading about past life regression
- Read the book No Boundary
by Ken Wilber (Jon mentions it in a section of the book that really resonates with me)
- Actively radiate love, forgiveness and appreciation
- Accept the negative and accept myself and my body just as they are. This includes no scales.
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, I am feeling better and better about it.
The one thing that I have really determined is that the visualisation CD is central to this. I was really tired one night and really just wanted to snuggle in my soft clean sheets and go right to sleep so I skipped the CD.
The next day I felt a significant difference in my attitude and motivation. I ate fast food for lunch and really craved some chocolate in the afternoon and was generally not as productive throughout the day. Now, I am not going back to bad days and good days because that is really unproductive, but on other days when I had listened to the CD the night before, I had no problem making good choices and following through on my plans for the day.
It has become pretty clear to me that listening to the CD every night, at least in the beginning, is integral to my success.
I am also noticing that when I make poor food choices my body lets me know about it. Yesterday I had an amazing day out with a good friend. We went to breakfast and I couldn’t resist having eggs benedict, my absolute favorite. It was fine and I am not going to feel guilty about splurging, but I could tell that my body wasn’t very pleased with me about it. So I had a smoothy with whey for lunch which amazingly lasted me till dinner. After dinner I had a brownie for dessert, which I was really looking forward to but didn’t really do anything for me. Good to note. This morning, I woke up feeling nauseous. Telling, right?
I just need to keep these things in mind when I make decisions about what I am going to eat. I’d say the eggs benedict was totally worth it, but the brownie definitely wasn’t.
My major accomplishment for the week was that I was really motivated to stay active and accomplish my daily list. Almost every day I checked everything off my list, including the cleaning list (and we all know how bad I am at getting that list done). I also really looked forward to doing something active each day. I went to yoga on both Monday and Wednesday this week and I took Pella for a long walk on Tuesday and Thursday.
Ever since we moved here 8 years ago, I have been thinking that walking up to the water reservoir, around and back would be a great walk and quite a workout. There are some very steep hills and beautiful views at the top. It is trails most of the way and not a lot of road time. We don’t have sidewalks where I live so walking on the road can be a little perilous.
I have always had an excuse as to why it was too far or too hilly or too hard and I have never done it. This week, I did it. It was one hour there and back and I felt fantastic. It was a great workout with several spots that were perfectly suited to a quick sprint to get those flight instincts activated. It was awesome!
I would like to thank everyone for the unexpected and very much appreciated outpouring of support. Your words of encouragement made a really bad day a whole lot better and gave me the confidence to push past it. Thank-you.
I wish I could say my fear is gone, but alas that simply isn’t how it is in this case. But, by owning my weaknesses I have come to understand them a little better and can now move forward with my eyes open.
I wish I could snap my fingers and make the self doubt and mistrust go away, but life doesn’t work that way no matter how much we wish it could be. The only thing to do now is take one day at a time and enjoy the good ones and let the bad ones go. I just need to keep moving and find a way to have some success.
I have several ways of going about this. My freelance business is doing well and I am having success with my therapy. The next step is giving over to my ability to be thin again.
It is time to buckle down and really commit to some way of getting healthy. I talk about this a lot, but each new thing lasts a couple of weeks and then dwindles slowly until it just stops all together.
So, I am committing to the Gabriel Method, which I believe addresses my personal health issues. I have come up with a plan and although i am not starting completely over like I thought I would have to, I am starting fresh and considering this day 1.
I made myself a sort of sign that I taped to the kitchen cabinets. On this piece of paper is my meals planned out for the week. This is not ‘eat this at this time’ but really just a list of good healthy meals that I have planned out in advance and have available to me so when I go to think about what I want for lunch, I can look at the list and see several things to choose from, any of which would be just fine, but steering me away from the dangers of standing in front of the fridge or pantry, hungry and vulnerable.
I also have included a daily schedule of stuff that I need to do, like taking supplements, drinking water, eating a snack, doing visualization, eating the sun and taking a power nap as well as a list of things to remember.
I will make a new one of these each week to help me remain focused.
In order for these habits to truly take, I need to do the same set of things every day, not just when I feel like it. I think that because this is not a diet with a regimented food and exercise plan that it is easy to take the eat what you want when you want for granted. This doesn’t work if you aren’t listening to what it is your body wants.
For example, the afternoon rolls around and I always crave sweets then, so even if it isn’t what my body wants I still eat it without really even thinking about it. Where as if I had just listened and tried a couple of techniques to give my body what it really does want, I might have been able to avoid eating that. And if after all that I still really craved that sweet treat, then I could have eaten it and enjoyed without guilt, knowing that those cravings will go away on there own with time.
It is really a change in the way I think about it. This is what happened when I finally quit smoking and I am positive that a fundamental shift in my thinking will be necessary with this as well.
Much like when I quit smoking for the last time, I must give over to it and accept that this is the way things are going to be from now on, that I have made this decision and there is not turning back from it.
Luckily I found what appears to be a good one. I have joined and poked around a little and even posted a reply.
If you have been reading this blog for awhile then you know that I am recovering from postpartum depression and have been seeing a therapist for the last six months. Just yesterday she was telling me how fearless I am in my therapy, how strong I am and how dedicated I am to getting better. It is my disgust with this fear and doubt that drives me to do more and dig deeper in therapy, but it is moments like this that also show me that I have so far to go. Why is it that I can be so fearless and committed to that, but so weak and afraid when it comes to committing to my own health.
I need to remind myself how far I have come. I am no longer depressed or having panic attacks. I have down days, but nothing like it used to be. That is a long way to come from where I was, which was in a very dark hole, alone and broken. I took no medication to accomplish this, but faced it head on and worked through it. This is a huge accomplishment and I am proud of it.
But with that said, there are many more issues to tackle, not the least of which is my inability to fully commit. This is the issue affecting this particular process for me. When I choose something, I feel very committed to it and it starts off that way, but as obstacles pop up and it gets a little tougher my resolve dwindles and I slowly lose my willingness to do what it takes.
One of the main tenants of The Gabriel Method is not to bring cheating into it. Don’t think of it as taking away, but as adding. This is all fine and dandy, but when I break down and scarf a jumbo jack in the car on the way home from a particularly tough therapy session or find myself six deep in mini peanut butter cups after a phone call with my mother, I feel like I have failed, like I cheated and then it all goes down hill from there. Let the closet binge eating begin.
This is hard for me to say, but last night I was watching the biggest loser and they were talking about the habits that got them to the point where they were when they started the show and I can see those habits in myself. I am not there yet, still just in the overweight category, but I can see how it gets there.
I weighed myself this morning because I felt I needed to. I couldn’t control my urge to know the bad news, like I needed to feel guilty about it. Up three pounds. Now, I do not blame The Gabriel Method for this, in fact he even says in his book that you might gain a few pounds in the beginning as you break the cycle of shame that goes along with food. This is my fault, I didn’t dedicate myself to doing what Jon said every day. I didn’t follow the rules, however simple they were. I let my life and my fears interfere with my commitment. Classic me.
There is positive growth to be seen in this first month though. I have learned quite a bit about eating healthier and think a lot about how to make sure I am getting the main three things in my meals (protein, omega and live food). I have even been pretty good about breakfast, but not every day. I have done really all the things he instructs for month one, just not consistently. Again, lack of true commitment.
I want to commit, I want to give over to the process. In order for things to truly change you need to commit to the process for the whole month, or 21 days really. But that doesn’t mean half ass for a month, that means every day.
So where to go from here. I feel like I should start over, because I am not ready to add on at this point. I don’t feel like I have made the month one steps second nature, which is the point or breaking it down that way. I am already overwhelmed, adding more just seems like a good way to self sabotage at this point.
I do know that I need to go back and read the book from cover to cover again. I also saw on Jon’s website that you can contact Jon directly so I think I might do that.
Well, sorry that I don’t have fantastic news of miraculous weight loss to share at the end of month 1, but I am not giving up. I am confident that this is the right program for me, I just need to find a way to truly commit myself. I will update in the next couple of days as I figure out what my new plan is.
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