feelings

Because I am one of the bare all – no holds barred bloggers who believes that sharing my life honestly is the right thing to do for both me and my readers, I feel it is very important to applaud others who do the same.

Not only is Tasha a brave and amazing blogger, she speaks to a topic that is close to my heart and a message that I think it is important for you, my readers, to hear as well. She learned to listen to her body and do what was best for her, even when it bumped up against everything she believed in and thought was right and true in the world.

Read Her Story

Life is not black and white and you can not and should not believe everything you read and hear. I am always amazed how we can suspend the use of our perfectly healthy and functioning brains to feed our belief systems. One thing I have learned over the last couple of years of struggling with my own battle with depression, anxiety and a bunch of familial bullshit is that no matter how much you believe something to be true that is not always the case.

It is so important that we learn to trust ourselves. Our minds and bodies yearn to speak to us, to tell us what is right and true for us, but so often we ignore them. We ignore that we are tired or sad or not feeling well and all the little ailments that we attribute to our lives or getting older or whatever our excuses might be.  We push aside our uneasy feelings and that little nagging tug that something here is hinky.  In reality all these little things are our bodies ways of speaking to us, of telling us that something isn’t right and that we should take a good look at how we are living and what changes our hearts know we need to make.

Instead of listening to these warnings, more times than not we ignore them until they turn into monsters that come back and bite us, sometimes with devastating consequences.  My mind and body were screaming and I just blatently ignored it, shoved it down until my whole world exploded.  Not necessarly the best way to go about it.

Read how Tasha learned this very same lesson

Learning this important lesson comes to each of us in it’s own way.  For Tasha it was her Vegan-ism, as much a doctrine as a lifestyle choice in her mind.  For each of us it will always be something personal and most likely painful.  Facing our personal truth is certainly not an easy task, but one that faced with bravery and an open heart will forever make us and everyone we touch better for it.

There are many things that I could say about being vegan or how I feel about the importance of quality natural animal protein sources, but I think the bigger lesson here is that if you listen, your mind and body will tell you what you need.  And if you refuse to listen, it will just yell louder, believe me.

And just one more little rant.  Be very careful how you judge others and what you believe from so-called experts.  We each have our own beliefs and our own reasons for them.  Do your own research, and I mean real research – not just asking your friend or your favorite talk show host, and listen to your gut.  If someone seems all over the top about stuff, there is probably a reason for it that has absolutely nothing to do with you.   And if you disagree about something with someone, no matter how vehemently, remember to have some respect.  Being an asshole only hurts you in the long run.

Over this last week I have been noticing some subtle, yet important, changes in the way I feel. Because the emotional and self perception issues are so huge for me, I have vowed not to weigh myself or even measure myself until October. I am letting go of numbered results and concentrating on how I feel and healing myself.

Over the Memorial Day Weekend I had a big breakthrough on becoming comfortable with my body as it is.  I even stated out loud that I would be fine to stay this way forever as long as I didn’t gain any more,  a very important step according to Jon.  I have listened to the CD before going to sleep every night except one over the last two weeks and have changed the way I do the visualizations.

When I visualize the following days, I concentrate mostly on being happy.  I say “Tomorrow I am going to be happy”.  I say this several times and then I see myself doing any really important things I have to get done the next day as well as the habit I am working on right now.  Right now that is remembering to take my supplements.  I also try to fit in the love, appreciation and forgiveness visualizations that Jon describes whenever I can or is appropriate.  As I result I have been feeling a lightness around me, happier, more patient, more feelings.  I even feel more productive in a different way than usual and I find it hard to explain.

I got the idea to change the focus of my visualizations from a book I am reading right now on the 2012 prophesies (The Mystery Of 2012).   The book is a compilation of essays and book excerpts by many of the people who are studying these prophesies.   All angles are covered, everything from physics, astronomy and archaeology to spiritual and astrological perspectives.  

Although some of the articles are quite dense and others are a little far fetched, it has been really interesting to explore this time we live in as a time of significant change.  One of the essays that is about spirituality talks about being happy versus being good and how being happy and radiating unconditional love into the world (things Jon also encourages) can transform us not only as individuals but also as a global society.    Here are several quotes from the essay “Wild Love Sets Us Free” by Gill Edwards that helped me change my perspective a little and concentrate my energy more on joy and love and less on being good or bad.   I am hoping I will get a chance to read more from her.

Most of us have internalized a cold, critical, repressive inner voice…that tells us how to behave, constantly criticizes us, keeps our noses to the grindstone, and squashes or denies our true feelings…  To the extent that we give our power to this inner judge, we are tamed and locked away.  We feel trapped and disempowered…The inevitable result is anxiety, depression, physical illness, dysfunctional relationships, or a pervasive joylessness that we cannot explain. — The Mystery of 2012 p. 245

This just struck me like a brick to the head.

Whenever we split the world into good and bad, conflict and neurosis are inevitable.  Our energy becomes split or divided.  Whenever we pride ourselves on saying “no” to a cream cake, working through our lunch break, or pleasing our partner at the expense of our own feelings, we are bowing to the old cosmology.  Trying to be good stems from a dualistic way of thinking.  It is based upon judgement, or conditional love.  It fuels self-righteousness, which means someone is “in the right” and someone else is “in the wrong”–some part of self is right (the judge within) and another part is bad and wrong (our feelings, thoughts and desires).  This inner conflict will be mirrored in conflict with others.  Splitting ourselves internally leads to projecting our shadow onto others…This dynamic creates a huge proportion of the misery in the world and blocks our natural ability to love with an open heart and speak honestly without blame or defensiveness. — The Mystery of 2012 p. 248-9

She goes onto discuss how this can effect us as a whole society and even globally. Our outlook and attitude effects the world around us. Why not give love and positive creative energy to the universe rather than negative unproductive energy. Maybe if I learn to love unconditionally and be truly happy I will also be able to improve the communication in my marriage and be more patient with my kids, have more tolerance with others and less judgement bringing positivity not only to myself but to everyone I interact with.

When we aim to be happy…we give off vibrations of self-love, self-worth, and appreciation, and our relationships mirror this by becoming deeper, happier and more authentic. In other words, much of what we have been taught about “what love means”–self-sacrifice, putting others first, being loyal to others at the expense of our own feelingz or authenticity, or feeling entitlex to have others behave as we wish them to–actually leads us away from loving relationships and into the twilight prison of codependency. It leads us toward tame love, which constantly slips into toxic cycles of control and sacrifice, blame and guilt. Tame love splinters our awareness and strangles our potential. It holds us hostage… — The Mystery of 2012 p. 250-1

I started to think that creating a life that not only makes me happy, but also makes my family and friends happy and leads to living an authentic and giving life, may lie in my happiness, that I have the ability to create change and improvements by loving myself and radiating love outward.

Instead of seeing life as a harsh training school for wayward souls, or a karmic wheel from which we might eventually escape (if we are good or lucky enough), or merely a statistical accident with no inherent meaning or purpose, we instead see life as a wondrous gift. We are not here to be good or perfect. We are not here to prove ourselves worthy. We are not here to serve others (at our own expense) or to save the world. We do not have to earn or deserve love. We do not have to “behave well” or conform to external rules and expectations. In a loving universe, we can relax. We are safe. We are worthy. We are loved without condition. We are cosmic voyagers on a magnificent adventure in physical reality and…we can have, do, or be anything we wish. No limits. No strings attached… The key to doing so is unconditional love–for self, others, and the world. — The Mystery of 2012 p. 256-7

It sounds a little idealistic, even to me, but that is a world I would like to live in. A peaceful, loving, accepting world where we live together with respect and love for one another.

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For this reading I will use the first ten swords and the first ten major arcana cards to examine what the best strategy is to deal with a particular situation.  With the recent launch of karinreece.com and starting to build my business, it only makes sense that I ask what my best strategy for success is.

The Layout

This is a celtic cross reading. It will examine the best comprehensive strategy for the asked about situation.

I will be using the I-X Major Arcana Cards and I-X of Swords for this reading.

Shuffle the major arcana cards while focusing on the questions and then deal out the first two positions.

Shuffle the sword cards while focusing on the same question and deal out the top four cards into positions 3 through 6.

Combine the remaining swords and major arcana cards and shuffle them together, again concentrating on the sames question and deal out the top four cards from this pile into positions 7 through 10.

The Question:  What should my strategy be with regard to my new web development business.

The Spread

1. Covers You (current situation) – X Wheel
2. Crosses You (challenges) – IV Emperor
3. Above You (what is possible) – VIII Swords
4. Below You (how you got here) – X Swords
5. Behind You (recent past) – IX Swords
6. Before You (what’s next) – II Swords
7. Who You Are – I Swords
8. Who They Want You to Be – III Swords
9. What You Want – III Empress
10. What You Get – VI Swords

The Answer

This situation requires your full attention and dedication of all your resources, which you should invest wholeheartedly.  Someone wants to assist you in your endeavor.  Be careful of giving over too much power as it may result in a sticky situation.

You experienced utter defeat in the past causing this to be a challenging situation for you.  Just recently your worst fears surfaced, but all will come together in the near future.

You will be successful in the end, but don’t expect the full support of those around you.  You want to be profitable and reap the rewards of success.  This success will come by letting go of those things that haunt you from your past and turning to the unexpected for inspiration.

The Cards

X Wheel

My Take*:  The wheel of time keeps moving.  A feeling that fate has taken over.  Remember you have control over many things.  

The Card:  Change, the feeling that some cosmic machine controls our destiny.  Although there is much we can’t control, there is also a lot that we do.  There are also things that seem out of our control, but which we actually can control.  Things are changing.

Analysis**:  This card covers you, representing the current state of the situation.  You may currently be feeling like the world is passing you by or simply pulling you along.  You must take control of those things within your power and let go of those you are powerless over.  Use creative means, think outside the box because change is certainly coming.

IV Emperor

My Take:  Order, rules, dominant figure, social justice, watches over and rules the situation, caring for and creating structure in society.

The Card:  Fatherhood, authority, laws and regulation.  Government, social justice, tyranny, social structure, power of life.  Examine the role of power over the situation.  Organization and structure.  Find your own power.

Analysis:  This card crosses you, representing the obstacles faced in the current situation.  Your obstacle is to create structure for yourself or others.  Hold true to your values, find your inner power and get organized.

VIII Swords

My Take:  A prison of your own making, it looks fragile like any sudden move may send those swords plunging in.  But the pattern on the sphere suggests strength and integrity.  The woman is naked, showing vulnerability.

The Card:  Restricted by your own assumptions you have created an inflexible mental map and are now trapped by it.  The bubble is strong, only to disappear when new perspective is gained.

Analysis:  This card is above you, showing what is possible if the circumstances remain as they are.  Reaching your potential will require stepping outside your comfort zone. Look at things from a different direction to gain perspective.

X Swords

My Take:  The man is bent over shielding himself from the descending swords.  The tattoo on his back is protection, but defeat has already occurred.  There is nothing left but to give in to it and move on.

The Card:  Anguish and pain, but relief as well.  The situation is not manageable.  Although things are dire, it is a positive card.  You are at the end and are ready for new opportunities and ready to see the potential.  The extremes of the conscious mind.

Analysis:  This card is below you and speaks to how you got to this point.  Sometime long ago you were utterly defeated and it is affecting this situation.  There is nothing you can do now, it’s over.  Let it go and get ready for new opportunities to emerge.

IX Swords

My Take:  The fears we create in our heads, mostly unfounded, but real enough in our minds.

Card:  Stress, tension, anxiety caused by your own mental dealings.  Your mind is wreaking havoc on your emotions.  How we think directly effects our perceptions.  Think negative things and negative things will find you.

Analysis:  This card is behind you and represents the recent past.  You’ve been letting your fears get the best of you.  Recently your mind has you riddled with stress and anxiety.  Remember we manifest what our mind tells us we are.  Cut out the negative talk.

II Swords

My Take*:  I’m not really sure about this one.  Twos are about couplings, pairs and dichotomies.  Swords are about strategies, struggles, power and strength.  She is blind folded and the sky is stormy with the sun shining through an opening.

The Card:  Comparing, analyzing, contrasting an idea.  Beware of over-analyzing to death, causing the new idea to wither and die.  The blindfold allows the woman to focus without distractions.  You are at a turning point.  It can still go either way.  Don’t over-think it.

Analysis:  You may not be able to see it but soon light will break through the darkness.  Soon you will face a Y in the road.  Analyze the choice, but don’t wait too long to make up your mind.

I Swords

My Take:  Strength, ready to take flight yet grounded with a good foundation.  New opportunities will bring success.

The Card:  A new idea or aha moment.  New opportunities, freedom of thought even when the rest of us feels constrained.  Opportunity for change and growth.

Analysis:  You are strong and grounded, ready to take off on a new adventure.  You are the one with the big idea.  This is your adventure.

III Swords

My Take: Grief.  She’s crying and holding her heart.  The three swords all point toward her heart, like they are piercing it.

The Card:  Heartbreak and disappointment caused by your experience with the situation being quite different thatn you expected.  These problems are mental rather than emotional.

Analysis:  Someone related to this situation is not going to live up to your expectations.  Beware not to set them too high.

III Empress

My Take:  Mother earth, abundance, reaping the benefits of the harvest.  Connecting with nature.  Being a caregiver.

The Card:  Mothering, nurturing, protecting, raising, growing.  Giving birth to and nurturing something. Landscaping.  The project must be carefully taken care of and protected.  Take better care of yourself.

Analysis:  You want to enjoy success and abundance.  You want this to be your baby, something you grow and care for.  You also want it to provide something just for you.

VI Swords

My Take*:  This card is a little spooky.  There is definitely a journey taking place.  Passing through an arch, a transition.  the boat is well protected and the man carries a lamp, lighting the way.  His mask may show that the purpose or end result of the trip may not be clear.

The Card:  Quiet, steady, cautious forward motion.  Proceed slowly and discretely.  No need to declare yourself openly.  You are even and solid and well positioned to access and influence your subconscious.  Think a little outside the box to accomplish the goal.

Analysis:  This card position represents that final outcome or what you will get if you remain on the same path. You are embarking on a journey into the unknown.  This may be scary, but you are well prepared.  Proceed cautiously and quietly.  It may be outside your normal thinking, but put your head down and proceed without announcing your intentions. You are on a journey to wholeness.

Reading analysis

I think this is a pretty insightful reading and a really positive sign for the work on my freelance business being a positive experience.  I always like it when a reading rings especially true and this one did just that.  It picked up on my recent anxiety.  A few weeks ago, I even have a full blown anxiety attack while working on a design project.  I have been curious why I have been so afraid to put myself out there and obviously something happened long ago that is setting that up.  Wish I knew what it was.

I think it is interesting that thinking in new ways, outside the box, outside your comfort zone, came up consistently throughout this reading.  This could mean several things, but really I think it is just speaking to the cocoon I have built around myself and that I am going to have to put myself out there in order to make this succeed and that can be a little uncomfortable for me.

It is just generally good to hear that things in my life are stabilizing and that I am finally in a place where I am ready to take on new challenges and embark on new journeys.  Very encouraging.

 


 

 *Please remember that the my take sections are my first impressions and feelings about a card.  Since I am exploring a new deck, this is the first time I have taken a good look at some of these cards.  They may or may not be reliable or true to the meaning of the card.  I like to take my feelings from a card and the cards intended meaning and combine them for a cohesive analysis.  In this way I am consistently improving on my knowledge and abilities.

** I have added a new section to my card analysis.  In this section I will combine my thoughts and the intended card meaning and apply them to the position within the reading.  This is a way to expand on the meaning of each individual card in the reading.

Wow, this is a tough one. I don’t really have anything going on right now to profit from. I am starting to take on some freelance work, but nothing serious until the fall probably. Hmm, well I guess I will ask what is coming that would be financially beneficial to me.

Tarot Reading

The Layout

This is a celtic cross reading.  This reading will take a comprehensive look at the financial future.

I will be using the I-X Major Arcana Cards and I-X of Coins for this reading.

Shuffle the major arcana cards while focusing on the questions and then deal out the first two positions.

Shuffle the coins cards while focusing on the same question and deal out the top four cards into positions 3 through 6.

Combine the remaining coins and major arcana cards and shuffle them together, again concentrating on the sames question and deal out the top four cards from this pile into positions 7 through 10.

The Question:  What opportunities are coming that I will profit from and how much will I profit from them?

The Spread

1. Covers You (current situation) – XI Justice (in some decks this is VIII and I have swapped them for the purpose of this self inventory)
2. Crosses You (challenges) – VII Chariot
3. Above You (what is possible) – IX Coins
4. Below You (how you got here) – VII Coins
5. Behind You (recent past) – III Coins
6. Before You (what’s next) – VIII Coins
7. Who You Are – IV Emperor
8. Who They Want You to Be – II Priestess
9. What You Want – VI Lovers
10. What You Get – X Wheel

The Answer

Make sure you put the time in to thoroughly research the opportunity.  Crunch the numbers and weigh the possibilities.  The answer will not be completely clear, you must ultimately decide.  Look deeply for the answer.

You must enter into this opportunity with enthusiasm and energy.  Make full use of your resources and care well for those things trusted to you.  This has grown out of something you were formerly successful with.

Just recently money was handed out and will be repaid with interest in the near future.  You will remain in control of the situation while others hope that you will solve their problems.

Although you would like to be presented with an exciting offer right now, this is what is needed in your life right now and good or bad the risk is taken.

The Cards

XI Justice

My Take:  An Armored woman holds a set of scales.  She feels for what side is weighted more heavily.  She is without eyes to ensure her lack of bias.  The sky is dark and stormy, her sash blows in the wind.   She is armed against harm and unnerved by the turmoil around her.  It is a trying time and every angle and option must be adequately examined. 

The Card:  Your values and judgements will drive you to change the world around you for the better.  You believe in the underlying fairness as a part of what makes us human.  Be careful not to be too judgemental.  The scale has become one with the judge so that she is the one handing out justice. She has no eyes, showing her complete dedication to being evenhanded and unbiased.

VII Chariot

My Take:  This card always reminds me of charging forward.  The strength of this card is profound.  There is also a balance between riding the wave of life within the structure and constraints of our lives.   The power of the forward motion is hard to control and your inner strength is needed to keep it in check.  You have a firm foundation to build on and are ready to take the next step.

The Card:  You are ready to set off on your journey.  The horses represent the unbridled energy driving forward that must be guided and controlled by the charioteer (you).  You are confident in your abilities but must be careful of being arrogant.   But don’t fret, you are correct that you are well prepared and aptly capable of taking this journey and surpassing any obstacles that come up.  You are beginning to lay the framework to build your future on.

IX Coins

My Take:  This seems like a peaceful card with the doves and all the flowers.  A young woman tending her garden, building a comfortable home life.  Her dress is very conservative and traditional which says to me that this deals with the more traditional roles and values of home life.  I can’t help but feel something unsettling about her.  The coins surround her like an arch.  This card is saying to me that there is an investment in the traditional home.

The Card:  The lushness of the garden, the abundance of blooms indicates that you have done quite well creating a comfortable environment.  You have worked hard and enjoying the spoils.  This is a peaceful time.  Be careful not to retreat to far into your own world.

VII Coins

My Take:  The coins on the tree are like fruit, hanging low and ready for the taking.  She has traveled far to fill her baskets with the fruit.   The land is lush, the sun rising.  She rests before her harvest.  It feels like you have worked hard and now it is time to gather and save the money you’ve made.

The Card:  This card is about patience.  She is waiting to harvest the fruits of her labor but is waiting for the time of peak ripeness.  Timing can be everything in business.  This card could also mean that you have nurtured something and now it can grow on it’s own.  The woman can also be seen as at a crossroads, deciding what the next move should be.

III Coins

My Take:  This cards speaks to me of artisan work.  A man is blowing glass.  Working with your hands.  Using your creativity and ingenuity.  He is confident in his task and a master of his trade.

The Card:  The glass blower is a master of his craft through hard work and experience and now deserves the respect he receives.  Taking raw materials and creating something beautiful and refined from it.  You have attained mastery in your field.

VIII Coins

My Take:  A man tinkers with a mechanical device.  There are extra parts, plans and books all around him indicating he is still learning and has not yet mastered his trade.  This work is slow and meticulous.  A detailed approach is necessary.  

The Card:  This is time to work slow and steady toward the goal.  This is not time for grandiose schemes.  Rewards will come from dedication and hard work.

IV Emperor

My Take:  Structure and order.  He is building the world he sees in his mind.  He is the master of his domain.  He takes great pride in and is very protective of the world he has created.  Beware of judgement and dominating behavior.

The Card:  Fatherhood, leadership, structure, order.   Social responsibility and tyranny.  This is the card of social constructs.  Although these powers can be misused they are integral and necessary in our lives.  Power is no inherently good or evil but inevitably a mix of both.  Take hold of your own power and use it wisely.  Look for the potential order in your task.

II Priestess

My Take:  This is the card of psychic abilities, of looking inward for answers.   Trust your gut, you know the answers you seek.

The Card:  You must be delicate in approaching the subconscious.  If you meditate and focus your energy on the answers you seek and are open to seeing what your intuition is trying to tell you, you may just get a glimpse.  The priestess’ energy is a calming one, as one feels when they trust themselves.  You are reaching toward wholeness.

VI Lovers

My Take:  This is a passionate card.  The feelings of this are are intense.  The lovers are joined, almost becoming one, losing oneself in another.  

The Card:  A relationship of any kind, but mostly love relationships.  Sharing ourselves with others. Considering other points of view.  Be honest and above board, consider the other side in this situation.  The attraction of opposites.  The beginning of a new creative relationship.

X Wheel

My Take: This card shows a mechanical wheel with the signs of the zodiac all around.  This card always reminds me of the wheel of time in that it is always moving forward.  Time continues to go by no matter what is happening in our lives.  Change comes whether we like it or not.

The Card:  This card represents the feeling we have sometimes that our lives are being steered by some mechanism, that we have little control.  Although it may seem that we have no control sometime, there are always things in our lives that we can control with a little creativity and determination.  We must remember that this control and power we wield over our own lives is that which keeps from being vulnerable to others.  The wheel card can represent a feeling of helplessness but it also means that there is change coming, and that is a reason to feel hopeful.

Reading Analysis

The answer section of this makes me think of something I have been considering lately.  A month or so ago, I heard a story on NPR about micro philanthropy and the new ways that people are looking at philanthropy.  He discussed an organization called Kiva.  They enable individuals to provide micro-loans to business owners, individuals, and loan coops around the globe.  The payback rate on these loans are incredibly high and after hearing about it seemed like something I would like to check out.  I did a little due diligence and registered at the site, but haven’t taken it much farther.  

From the cards here, it appears this might be something worthwhile for me to pursue.  It also makes sense as it talks about how, although I might like for there to be something big and exciting coming, that these things I can do to take care of myself and others may have a bigger impact.   There may not be a monetary profit, but I think I might be more in need of emotional profit anyway.  It will be good to help people help themselves.

The cards are also telling me that change is in the air, and I always view that as a positive thing.

I also feel there are some things to be said here about my freelancing business, but really, I’m just not in the mood to think about that right this minute, let alone discussing what may or may not get done in the future.

I haven’t had a bad day in a while and by that I mean a depressed day.  

Yesterday I thought I was getting sick.  Weirdest thing, my nose ran non-stop causing a barrage of sneezes that I thought were going to drive me out of my mind.  Then I popped a 101 fever  with terrible aches and pains for about an hour and then it was gone.  Totally bizarre.

Today, Ian tripped and conked his ear on the coffee table, which threw me into my injury panic and now I am feeling so run down.  My flight instinct kicks in.  I just want to crawl into a hole.  Hmmm.

I also received what I hope is the final final email exchange.  I thought that had happened a couple of weeks ago but my email filter failed and there it was in my inbox.  I guess she just had to have the final word.

I’m not really feeling sad about the whole situation anymore though.  The email was just one more reminder why my decision was the right one.  

I am still having a hard time controlling the physical anger reaction I get when i think about the whole thing, though.  Even though I rationally know and understand my feelings and what the situation means to me, my body just isn’t there yet.

I think my body is overloaded with it’s own response chemicals right now.  My response?  Wallow and eat.

 Joy, aren’t I inspiring.

Until a better day…

Well, I have had another very emotional day.  It’s amazing what small things can bring me to my knees these days.  Just yesterday,  I was feeling so good.  I was feeling strong, I was sleeping well (well better anyway), I was having fun with the kids, I felt in control and like progress was being made.  And today, I am back to a puddle of tears and anxiety.

Why is it that I allow something so inconsequential to get me so riled up?  Probably because it isn’t inconsequential.  Not because of the specific situation but because of the feelings of loss that it brings up in me.  Loss is a very sad emotion.  It’s one that I’m not sure I have ever fully addressed.

The good thing is that I am feeling the sadness, boy am I feeling it.  And it is all muddled with anger and resentment and the need to slug someone in the gut.  The problem with this kind of emotion is that it interferes with everything.

It seeps into all the little crevices of your life and start to mess with you.  It’s just wrong.  But it needs to be done.  Opening a nest of pent up emotion is a scary thing and not always the most pleasant for those that you love, but it needs to be dealt with.  I have no choice to but face it all and look it directly in the eye.  Be brave.  Be brave.  Be brave.

I also know what needs to be done to put all this current messy business behind me as well, but doing it is also pretty scary business.  I am wired for flight and turning to face my fears is not something I do with ease.  I am a person who has walked through life in fear.    Not any more.

Sometimes what needs to be done, just needs to be done.  Sometimes there is no salvaging it.  And sometimes, even if you could salvage it, that isn’t the right or best thing to do.  I am done with situations that are not healthy for me.  I am done pushing my true self aside to please others.  I am done feeling bad about who I am.  I’m just done.  I want it over with.  I am ready to move on.  Too bad that all comes with a bunch of ugly consequences.

Just for the record, this has nothing to do with my marriage.  Karli is my rock and I would be huddled in a corner right now if it weren’t for him.  He is everything a husband should be and so much more.  I wish everyone had the opportunity to walk through life with their soul mate.

Someone told me something really important once and I repeat it to myself often.

I have everything that I need and I am getting better and better every day.

I am grateful and hopeful and full of love.