The Setup
For this reading I will be using the I-X of Swords and the initials of my first middle and last name. I will do a reading with my married as well as maiden name.
K.H.G.
11 + 8 + 7 = 26 = 2 + 6 = 8
K.G.R.
11 + 7 + 18 = 36 = 3 + 6 = 9
The Question: How successful will I be?
The Answer
8 of Swords – KHG
You have followed a path full of challenges and pain. You will use this to build your success on. You may sometimes feel as if there is no hope of escaping it, but if you hang in there only wonderful things will come.
9 of Swords – KGR
Your success is dependent on overcoming your fears. You must walk out of the darkness of your past into the success of your future. You may be inspired by those thoughts that come to you in the middle of the night.
The Cards
VIII Swords
My Take
This celestial card contains eight swords pointing upward under a naked and vulnerable woman contained in a bubble. She wants badly to escape the bubble and the pain that the blade tips represent.
The Card
This card represents someone who has created a complicated web of assumptions and visions of reality that now imprisons them. The only thing that can break the bubble and make the swords go away is to challenge those assumptions and look at things from a different perspective.
IX Swords
My Take
A woman lays on the ground. She looks very frightened. A large tree hovers over her, it’s branches reaching out like claws. A fence surrounds her. The swords line a pillar behind and above her. I’m not sure what the swords represent, but it appears that she has identified what or who is chasing her.
The Card
The woman’s mind has created a scary scene full of anxiety. This is a creation of the mind and not the reality of the situation. Our minds are a powerful thing and a preoccupation with the negative has overcome you. Remember, think negative thoughts and bad things will happen. You must be vigilant.
Reading Analysis
In the answer section, I can see a direct correlation to the time before I was married and the time after. I experienced a lot of pain in my youth and made a lot of really bad decisions because of it, but I never gave up hope that there was a better life waiting for me out there and when the opportunity presented itself, I took it. Now I have a great life, full of love and family. Now it is about letting go of the past and all the fear and that is what I am doing right now. I am fighting the demons head on in order to let them go. I no longer want them to influence my daily life. They must be integrated into my being and then released so that I can move forward and find that so promised success. This is a process ridden with anxiety, but the light at the far end of the tunnel is so worth the struggle.
When looking at the cards individually, outside the context of this particular reading, we can see how powerful our fears and anxieties can be. They can trap us and preoccupy us, holding us back from our potential. I look forward to being free of those traps.
You see, I pass out. I pass out when I hurt myself. I pass out when other people hurt themselves. I pass out when people on TV hurt themselves (no ER – the TV show – for me). I pass out when other people talk about hurting themselves. I pass out when I work too hard and eat too little. I even pass out for no apparent reason.
It is some function of my low blood pressure, I think. I don’t really know. I am definately going to bring it up with my therapist and my doctor though because after yesterday, I need to do something.
Because of this, my worst fear as a parent is that something will happen to my kids and I won’t be able to help them.
And this fear is not unjustified. I have been lucky up until now that there has been someone there to help me.
But yesterday, I was all by myself.
I am not going to go into details about what happened because it just isn’t important to this story. The short of it was that he hurt himself badly enough that I felt we needed to go to the ER and that he is just fine. An x-ray and an ace bandage and he acts like nothing ever happened. While he flirted with nurses, I quietly tried to calm myself and fight back the tears.
But I did it. All by myself, without anyone to help me and without actually losing conciousness. I did have to pull the car over once to avoid passing out and wrecking the car, but we got there.
I called Karli right after it happened and he left work immediately to meet me at the hospital. I can’t even tell you how much I needed him right then. I just kept telling myself that he would be there soon and I just had to make it a few more minutes. Little did I know that he was stuck in traffic and wouldn’t arrive until we were leaving the hospital two hours later. There was no phone service in the hospital so I wasn’t getting his calls and couldn’t send a text message. I can’t imaging sitting in traffic, not knowing what was going on. He was so scared.
But, the fact that it took him two hours to go a distance it should have taken him no more than 45 minutes to go in the worst traffic confirms that I was meant to go this one alone.
Although I think I passed the test, this was minor and there was no blood. I can’t help but think what might have happened if…
What I do know is that it is time for me to figure out why I do this and try to fix it if I can.
The work never stops or even takes a break, huh?
Why is it that I allow something so inconsequential to get me so riled up? Probably because it isn’t inconsequential. Not because of the specific situation but because of the feelings of loss that it brings up in me. Loss is a very sad emotion. It’s one that I’m not sure I have ever fully addressed.
The good thing is that I am feeling the sadness, boy am I feeling it. And it is all muddled with anger and resentment and the need to slug someone in the gut. The problem with this kind of emotion is that it interferes with everything.
It seeps into all the little crevices of your life and start to mess with you. It’s just wrong. But it needs to be done. Opening a nest of pent up emotion is a scary thing and not always the most pleasant for those that you love, but it needs to be dealt with. I have no choice to but face it all and look it directly in the eye. Be brave. Be brave. Be brave.
I also know what needs to be done to put all this current messy business behind me as well, but doing it is also pretty scary business. I am wired for flight and turning to face my fears is not something I do with ease. I am a person who has walked through life in fear. Not any more.
Sometimes what needs to be done, just needs to be done. Sometimes there is no salvaging it. And sometimes, even if you could salvage it, that isn’t the right or best thing to do. I am done with situations that are not healthy for me. I am done pushing my true self aside to please others. I am done feeling bad about who I am. I’m just done. I want it over with. I am ready to move on. Too bad that all comes with a bunch of ugly consequences.
Just for the record, this has nothing to do with my marriage. Karli is my rock and I would be huddled in a corner right now if it weren’t for him. He is everything a husband should be and so much more. I wish everyone had the opportunity to walk through life with their soul mate.
Someone told me something really important once and I repeat it to myself often.
I have everything that I need and I am getting better and better every day.
I am grateful and hopeful and full of love.
I am not sure I have ever been so angry.
My body is one big knot. Each day, I wake with a new knotted up muscles. Today it is in my right shoulder. Yesterday it was on the left side of my neck.
Yoga last night helped temperarly. My yoga bliss was a much needed reprieve, even if it only lasted a couple of hours. Today, the anger is back in full force.
I can feel it when I breathe, a hallow dullness in my chest, a slight dizziness, my head light, my thoughts muddied.
The tears come at the most inopportune times, when I most need them to stay stuffed down. I teeter on the edge of control, trying to put on a happy face and keep moving for the sake of my family and many times not too successful. My poor husband, I’m sorry.
This is a lesson in fear and weakness. Do not let things build up without saying anything. Years worth of frustration and bitterness are very hard to deal with all at once.