The last several days my son has been very sick and Monday we spent the good part of the day and all evening in the ER. He is getting better and is going to be just fine, but the stress has been profound. Believe me, the last thing I want is excuses for why I can’t succeed at this.
This is what I struggle with time and time again. Life gets in the way, the stress gets to me and then I eat to make myself feel better and then I feel guilty and crappy about myself so I give up.
This cycle, I only lost half a pound. I have hit my mark in that 163 pounds is this sticking point for me. I have not been below it since my son was born three years ago. I try and I try and I get to 163 and it just won’t budge. Well, here we are again after a stressful and disappointing week and I have to say I am not surprised. I am trying very hard to look past that number and not feel defeated.
But a couple of really good things have come out of this cycle and right now I am celebrating the littlest of victories. I am still here. I haven’t given up, I haven’t blown my diet. I am sticking to the plan, despite all the obstacles. I will finish what I started and push past my fears.
I also started exercising again. There are still many things that I can’t do with my thumb as it is, but I went for a run and biked as well. I also tried out some of the bodyweight exercise routines, which I totally love. There were several of the exercises that I couldn’t do as I am unable to put my full weight on that hand, but I either modified, substituted or skipped the moves I couldn’t do and kept going. Tonight I am going back to swim classes for the first time since the accident.
The biggie though has been gaining some control back over the food. The fast days have been so pinnacle in this. Yes, I get hungry but I embrace that and I have control of whether I eat or not. And that gives me more control over the rest of the days when I have to choose what I will eat, whether I will stick to the plan or give into the little gremlins in my head.
Through all the last few weeks of craziness with family in and out of the house and two major medical events, I have stuck to the plan as much as I could. There have been moments of weakness and moments of circumstance, but I didn’t let them affect my resolve. I just kept going. This may not seem like much to you, but for me it is a pretty big deal.
I have two more cycles to go and I hope that I can get it together enough to lose a little weight in the process. But even if I don’t, I have gained a lot from this and I will be completing the program again in July before my husband and I take a trip to Sonoma. So, I will have another chance to make it happen for me.
I have updated the Xtreme Fat Loss page with the latest. Not much to look at though…
Don’t let my lack of success deter you from this program. My results have nothing to do with the program. I have no doubt that it works and that you could achieve significant results.
Learn More at the Xtreme Fat Loss Diet Website
Don’t let your fears or reservations stop you in achieving your goals. When we fall all there is to do is to get up and keep going.
This summer I have been trying to do little things around the house just to make life simpler or prettier or just nicer in some way. It’s funny what can change your life in a small yet very significant way.
I am not the most organized of people and with two kids in two different schools this year, I figured I needed to create a way to keep track of who needed to be where, what forms needed to be filled out and returned and what days I have a meeting or Karli is going to be home late etc etc etc.
With school starting last week this has really been my first introduction into the crazy schedule of a family of four. To help me stay on track, I dedicated a wall in my kitchen to family organization. I have two white board calendars as well as cork boards and white boards for notes and forms and stuff. I even found a stick on post-it dispenser and some really cute orange cube push pins.
My office supply fetish is definitely satisfied on this one. We even have a different color pen for each member of the family.
Another addition to my kitchen is the hanging fruit basket. This worked out really well, providing plenty of room for all the fruit bowl items and keeping the onions and garlic separate from the fruit. By finding a creative solution to the overflowing fruit bowl we also cleared up some much needed counter space, which is at a premium in my tiny kitchen.
Cleaning out the garden window which had previously been filled with all my poor suffering house plants cleared enough space to start an herb garden in that window which had always been the plan and only took me 8 years to get around to. We also gave the window sill a fresh coat of paint which really brightened it up. It is so nice to be able to look out that window and see the kids playing in the back yard. I don’t know if I ever thought we would get there.
Probably the biggest kitchen impact came from the addition of this giant pantry unit. We finally got the extra shelves we needed and the drawers we forgot to buy the first time around and it is now complete and a fully functional pantry. Having this extra space makes all the difference in a tiny house with little storage. And I finally have all my little plastic storage containers with labels and everything. Mmmmm, it makes me all warm inside.
And yes, those suffering house plants (there are many more) have finally found legitimate homes throughout the house. I look forward to watching them finally thrive and grow. Only a few weeks later they are already looking very very happy. They even all got matching pots in complimentary colors.
It is really amazing how much more alive and homey my house feels now. Having the youngest to an age where he no longer feels the need to tip the plants over and dig in them is a great relief to both them and me.
And last, but certainly not least is the new over the door towel rack in the main bathroom. There has never been a really good place for a towel rack in this bathroom and since I am sharing this bathroom with the kids for the time being, where to put he towels has been an ongoing struggle and trial and failure.
But here it is, my big beautiful towel rack. Like I said, it’s the smallest things that make the biggest difference. Ahhh!
I have caught myself falling back into my depression routines which is pretty frustrating. I am also noticing new layers or levels of issues to deal with. This is also a good thing as these are the real issues, the rackets I have built up that were hidden beneath my tortured soul persona. The good news is that now that I am past all the bullshit I can concentrate on going after the stuff really getting in the way. It is like all that anger just wrapped me in a blanket of safety and now I am fully exposed, left to look for and examine the real issues I was just hiding from before.
My therapist is thrilled and I am working on being thrilled, but right now I just feel a little let down. See there, that’s a racket talking right there.
I have been finding it hard to write. This post have been sitting in my draft posts in various stages of undone for about a week now. I ended up having to write it by hand to break through the block and it hardly resembles what I meant to write when I started. When I think about it, I wonder if much of my inspiration came from my angst and resentment and blame. This is a new place to write from for me. This is a new place to do everything from for me.
Although I see the future in a whole new brighter light from a place of knowing I am not only capable but also deserving, insecurity and fear are still rampant and restraining.
But alas, life rolls along and time speeds past and there is much to be done. School starts this week and a new stage of life beings for our family. Ada starts kindergarten on Thursday and Ian will be attending preschool two mornings a week starting next week. This leads to many new challenges and some great opportunities as well.
I am not the most organized of people, another racket I run to avoid being responsible for my own life — See how those can get in the way?
So, this week I have set myself up to succeed and started a fresh school year with a fresh outlook.
Taking responsibility for my life means many things to me. Much of the big stuff like the wall I put up between myself and others and how angry I was and generally nasty sometimes are gone – vanished like some sort of magic. What’s left are those things that can make a huge difference in my day to day life. These include being organized and responsible for remembering what forms need to be filled out, that there is a field trip tomorrow and I need to send snacks to school on Wednesday. It also means taking responsibility for my health and my body and finally doing what it takes to be a healthy, confident, beautiful woman.
Maybe we can throw in figuring out what I want to be when I grow up as well, but that is the big scary monster in the room right now and a lot of baggage lays between me and that goal, although I have been having some thoughts about what it might look like and that is a surprisingly big step for me. In the meantime I can concentrate on getting the things I do have under my control under control.
I have already made some big strides. Today (well actually yesterday but it took me too long to edit this) I have eaten great, exercised, cleaned the house and spent quality time with the kids, while still managing to get some work done. It is possible to be productive and get everything done. It’s amazing how much time opens up when you stop worrying so much about how overwhelming it all is.
The challenge will be to keep at it for more than a couple of days. This is another racket I run. I have great intentions and a strong start, but the follow through tends to go by the wayside. I have put many tools into place to assist me in overcoming this weakness and I will share them with you over the next couple of weeks as I discover the successes and failures. I hope that maybe an idea will spark you to create a less overwhelming life for yourself as well.
As a result of this momentary lack in judgement, April is crazy crazy crazy. There is Easter and the grandparents visiting back to back and double birthdays to plan and shop for.
We did try to down play it this year with just a small family gathering for Ian and a fairy extravaganza for Ada and her four closest girlfriends, but it doesn’t seem how simple we try to make it, it still involves a lot of stress and energy.
I would never want to deprive my kids of anything, but this is only going to get more complicated as they get older. There has to be a way to avoid having to do back to back birthday parties for the next 10 years, as it is both emotionally and financially challenging. Would I be wrong to limit them to big parties every other year and a family party on the opposing years? It seems fair to me, but I don’t have siblings and so I don’t have an understanding of how that might play with them. Anyone have any good ideas?
This last week, I was feeling very overwhelmed by the whole thing and being generally cranky. I even had an angry day and have had a hard time sleeping, which I haven’t encountered in a while. I talked to my therapist about it yesterday and she thinks it is probably just some emotions that were brought up in therapy last week (we had kind of a break through session) that I didn’t have time to deal with and process appropriately because of family coming into town and Ada’s party and such. We did some work to integrate some of it and I feel a little more centered this week, so that is good.
With all that said, the look of joy on Ada’s face as she bounced around for three days in anticipation of her friends coming to celebrate her birthday with her was worth every bit of stress and tiredness. She just beamed and sparkled through the whole thing.
With Ian turning 2 this week, I can’t wait to see him realize for the first time that everyone is singing for him and dig into a piece of chocolate cake with reckless abandon. Priceless!
Now, if I could just get rid of this kink in my neck.
I am more than slightly uncomfortable with the fact that Dr. Laura is the new spokesperson for stay at home moms. Her traditional value system and outdated theories certainly don’t represent me as a stay at home mom.
But with that said, I am glad that someone is speaking to and about stay at home moms. I have said before that I feel very fortunate to be in the position to stay at home with my kids and I do, but it was a choice that we made for our family because we felt that was what was best for our family.
This was a very significant sacrifice for us and we struggled financially for a long time. But with careful planning, stategic budgeting and a lot of self control, we have been able to not only survive, but thrive in our situation. Karli has worked so hard to advance his carreer so that we can build our life and provide for our kids.
And now that the kids are getting a little older there is an opportunity for me to remake myself professionally as well. I put my career on hold to stay at home and it is undeniable that I would have been very successful by now in that career. But, that doesn’t mean that I can never work or build a new career for myself. It just looks a little different now and for me that is the best thing that could have happened. I feel like I am going to get my cake and eat it too – a professional life that fits my lifestyle and the family life that we have chosen to build for ourselves.
Choosing to stay home has been the most rewarding and challenging thing I have ever done. It isn’t easy and I am certainly not lazy or stupid. I have heard that this is a common perception, but I have never experienced that. I work very hard and give of myself on an emotional level that I think is hard to understand or relate to unless you do stay at home. But I also reap the biggest rewards and I think my kids do as well.
But, I also don’t think it is productive to perpetuate the divide between stay at home and working moms. We all work very hard to care for our children in the way that works best for our families. My closest girl friends work outside the home and I have a great deal of respect for them and there choices just as they have respect for mine.
We often joke that we couldn’t imagine how hard it must be to do it the other way around and I think that says that we have made the right choices for us. Moms should support and respect each other, no matter what our circumstances are.
On somewhat of a side note…
A while back my step sister in law (is that the way I say it?) posted the article below on facebook. I felt this was a pretty good representation and until now forgot how much I wanted to share this with you all. Now seems like an appropriate time. Click on the image to make it big enough to read.
Of course, when one is not themselves and needs extra attention the other puts it into high gear. In this case, my daughter has become combative and argumentative and generally just pissed off at the world.
The two of them combined was threatening to push me straight over the edge.
This is all perfectly normal of course, but sometimes you can’t help but feel like the world is closing in around you and you are all alone in the world. That you must be doing something wrong and that no one could possibly understand what you are going through.
It’s also amazing how exactly what you need comes to you just when you need it. This behavioral chaos that has invaded our home was coming to its peak the last couple of days and I started looking around and reaching out a little.
The kind and commiserating words of friends, a forum thread I found yesterday and similar developmental information from various sources convinced me that I just needed to let it go and relax. My goal for the rest of the day was to simply stay calm.
Of course, this didn’t mean that he wasn’t frustrated or getting into everything or being a general menace, but my attitude toward it started to change and he seemed calmer as well. After his nap, he was running around pointing and saying the name of everything. This is a huge step as he has been a little slow to expand his vocabulary past the basics.
Then this morning, he’s like a brand new kid. Or really, just more like his old self with an expanded vocabulary. I had a feeling that this was one of those ‘disequalibrium’ stages that happen before a huge development shift, but is it possible that like a switch his words kicked in and the never ending bad attitude is out? Just like that? I’m tentatively and realistically hopeful.
And just to remember all the joy they bring us, click on the first photo below for slide show.
I discovered many women there discussing important issues and sharing their voices. I have contributed to these conversations on several occasions and was looking through my posts there the other day. I found an old comment I left on a thread about doulas and felt like this may be an important story to share here.
This is my birth story. Giving birth is one of the most rewarding and empowering things we can do as women. But this story also reminded me how important it is to remember that it is our inner power that gives us the strength to complete such a wonderful and trying journey.
We must always remember to nourish this inner strength so that we remain these incredibly powerful women throughout the rest of our lives. Raising great kids is going to take all the energy, courage and fortitude we can get our hands on.
Please excuse any spelling or grammer errors in the story below. It was written in haste and without editing.
With and Without a Doula
I have had two completely different birthing experiences, one with a doula and one without.
The birth of my daughter was one of the most tramatic experiences of my life. For my entire prenatal period, I had a doctor that I loved and we had a very detailed plan that we had worked out together for months. Unfortunately, nothing would go as planned.
This is a good lesson in itself. No matter how well you plan, be just as prepared for nothing to go the way you think it will.
The thing is, when you go to a doctor that is part of a group, the chances that that doctor will deliver your baby is very low, unless you go into labor during office hours. I’m sure this has worked out fine for many women but for me, it was the middle of the night both times.
The doctor that was on call when I went into labor with my daughter was really unfortunate. My water had broke and labor was slow to start. I had had my appendix out six weeks earlier (yeah, 34 weeks pregnant and a totally different story) and she basically told me that I was high risk and would be treated as such, even though my doctor had told me as long as I had gone six weeks past surgery, I would be considered normal.
What this meant is that I was monitored the whole time and she only gave me a short period for labor to begin before she gave me pitocin. I just felt rushed and unsupported by her for my entire labor. I felt like she was just chomping at the bit to cut me open, not the most nurturing birthing environment.
My doula was very good at keeping me as calm as possible through this whole thing and keeping me informed of what was going on and why certain decisions were being made, but my anxiety level was very high and the pitocin contractions were extremely painful.
The short version of the story is that eventually, during pushing, my daughter started to dcell and then they lost her heartbeat. Then there was panic and rushing around and throwing of scrubs and I was screaming, it was terrible. When we got to the operating room, they hooked her up to the monitor and she was totally fine, but the doctor insisted on continuing with the c-section. While they were upping my epidural to the correct levels, I continued to push (as you can’t stop), with the help of my nurse and eventually, I took control and demanded that she let me try to push her out before she proceeds with the c-section as she was fully crowning and her heartrate was fine. She gave me three pushes and I was luckily able to push her out. The whole operating room broke out in cheers.
Although having a doula was a nice additive to my experience, she was not allowed in the operating room and was able to do little to prevent my bad experience. I am in no way saying that doulas can’t be a great help and I felt like my doula did a great job given the circumstances, but when it comes down to it, it is all about your own sense of power and peace and the relationship with your doctor.
I also give a ton of credit to my nurse. She was amazing and stayed with me through the end, even though her shift had ended. She empowered me and from working with that doctor (who it was pretty clear that most of the nurses didn’t like working with) many times before, she was knowledgable about how to deal with this doctor and helped me to get what I needed in spite of her.
In the end, my daughters birth was very empowering and she was healthy and beautiful and that is all the really matters.
When I got pregnant with my son, I took a totally different approach. I was determined that if I had anything to say about it, that doctor was never going to come anywhere near me again. Unfortunately, this meant that I had to leave my doctor, who I totally loved.
Having several experiences in the maternity ward at my hospital (my daughter’s birth and I spent a week there after my apendix operation), I was confident with the nursing care and quality of the facility.
For me, it really came down to finding the right practice. All the doctors in the practice must be on the same page as you when it comes to your needs during labor. With a group of doctors who share on call duties, you will never be sure of what doctor will be there to deliver your baby.
I was fortunate that I found a doctor I trusted and who would for sure deliver my baby the second time around. He has an individual practice and delivers 97% of his own babies. He goes on vacation once a year and as long as you aren’t due during that time, you can almost be certain he will be there with you.
My first birth was so dramatic and stressful that the second time, I just wanted calm. I wanted to enjoy the birthing experience and embrace motherhood in a way that I was denied the last time. I did end up choosing an epidural, but was not pressured or deterred in any way. This time around the decisions were mine, with the understanding that if things got really bad, he would have to take over. That I could live with.
I am very narrow through my pelvis and my babies are big and therefore, they have a little trauma coming through the birth canal. My son’s birth was no different in this matter, but I didn’t even really know anything was wrong. My doctor was calm and cool through the whole thing and found the perfect balance of telling me this was serious and I had to push with no resting, without making me feel scared at all.
My son was born healthy, happy, huge and in a hurry.
I am so glad that I have that experience as the freshest and most prominent in my mind.
I agree that birth done the wrong way can be increadibly tramatic and with lasting effects. I was so jumpy and scared going into it the second time.
But, I am glad that I took charge of my pregnancy and birthing experience and did what I needed to make sure I wasn’t in the same situation again.
My advice, find a doctor you trust in a practice that as a whole gels with your belief system and what you desire from your delivery. Take every opportunity you can to meet with as many of the doctors in the practice as you can and also make sure that the hospital you are going to has practices and rules that you agree with and a top notch nursing staff. If having your plan followed through on and your doctor there with you, then do your best to choose someone who delivers a very high percentage of their babies.
Ask questions, be up front with what you need and don’t be afraid to change course if necessary.
As far as doula’s go, after having one with me the first time, I didn’t feel it was necessary the second time. But, my husband was amazing during labor and I was confident enough the second time to be my own advocate and I trusted my doctor implicitly.
I think every birth and every individual is completely unique and doula’s can be an excellent resourse and a great help.
The Redesigned Mom
A Stay at Home Mom’s Journey to Self Fulfillment
Submitted by redesignedmom on Sat, 10/04/2008 – 14:40


















