I have not been able to work out at all. I tried to do some lower body work, but any bouncing of my body is painful and any significant increase in my heart rate starts it throbbing.
I also just generally don’t feel particularly well with a feeling of general wooginess. When part of your body is dealing with trauma it is like the rest just functions at half mast.
I have been pretty good about sticking to the food plan though, with a few minor exceptions. I couldn’t fast entirely, but I did manage to keep it to three small bites of food corresponding with when I needed to take my medication.
I didn’t have a chance to plan as well as I would have liked and grocery shopping got pushed out a couple of days so I had to wing it a little. I found myself very hungry yesterday during moderate carb day. I assume that had something to do with not planning and therefore not eating enough of the right things at the right time. Hunger is not something that has been an issue with this program at all, except on fast days and that is to be expected and easily managed.
All of this makes me a little nervous for this cycles results. I am just hoping that I can really dig in next cycle.
Joel had a bodyweight workout made to accompany the program and I am really excited about that. I am a huge fan of bodyweight workouts and much prefer them to weight lifting. Included is a booklet explaining everything and with logging sheets. Also there are instructional videos for each exercise as well as follow along videos for each type of day. I am really excited to give these a try next go around.
My new cycle starts tomorrow and once again I have family coming into town. I have definitely had my challenges with the program and ultimately I am impressed that I am still motivated and dedicated to making it happen. Big step for me.
I have caught myself falling back into my depression routines which is pretty frustrating. I am also noticing new layers or levels of issues to deal with. This is also a good thing as these are the real issues, the rackets I have built up that were hidden beneath my tortured soul persona. The good news is that now that I am past all the bullshit I can concentrate on going after the stuff really getting in the way. It is like all that anger just wrapped me in a blanket of safety and now I am fully exposed, left to look for and examine the real issues I was just hiding from before.
My therapist is thrilled and I am working on being thrilled, but right now I just feel a little let down. See there, that’s a racket talking right there.
I have been finding it hard to write. This post have been sitting in my draft posts in various stages of undone for about a week now. I ended up having to write it by hand to break through the block and it hardly resembles what I meant to write when I started. When I think about it, I wonder if much of my inspiration came from my angst and resentment and blame. This is a new place to write from for me. This is a new place to do everything from for me.
Although I see the future in a whole new brighter light from a place of knowing I am not only capable but also deserving, insecurity and fear are still rampant and restraining.
But alas, life rolls along and time speeds past and there is much to be done. School starts this week and a new stage of life beings for our family. Ada starts kindergarten on Thursday and Ian will be attending preschool two mornings a week starting next week. This leads to many new challenges and some great opportunities as well.
I am not the most organized of people, another racket I run to avoid being responsible for my own life — See how those can get in the way?
So, this week I have set myself up to succeed and started a fresh school year with a fresh outlook.
Taking responsibility for my life means many things to me. Much of the big stuff like the wall I put up between myself and others and how angry I was and generally nasty sometimes are gone – vanished like some sort of magic. What’s left are those things that can make a huge difference in my day to day life. These include being organized and responsible for remembering what forms need to be filled out, that there is a field trip tomorrow and I need to send snacks to school on Wednesday. It also means taking responsibility for my health and my body and finally doing what it takes to be a healthy, confident, beautiful woman.
Maybe we can throw in figuring out what I want to be when I grow up as well, but that is the big scary monster in the room right now and a lot of baggage lays between me and that goal, although I have been having some thoughts about what it might look like and that is a surprisingly big step for me. In the meantime I can concentrate on getting the things I do have under my control under control.
I have already made some big strides. Today (well actually yesterday but it took me too long to edit this) I have eaten great, exercised, cleaned the house and spent quality time with the kids, while still managing to get some work done. It is possible to be productive and get everything done. It’s amazing how much time opens up when you stop worrying so much about how overwhelming it all is.
The challenge will be to keep at it for more than a couple of days. This is another racket I run. I have great intentions and a strong start, but the follow through tends to go by the wayside. I have put many tools into place to assist me in overcoming this weakness and I will share them with you over the next couple of weeks as I discover the successes and failures. I hope that maybe an idea will spark you to create a less overwhelming life for yourself as well.
This is a celtic cross reading. It will examine the best comprehensive strategy for the asked about situation.
I will be using the I-X Major Arcana Cards and I-X of Swords for this reading.
Shuffle the major arcana cards while focusing on the questions and then deal out the first two positions.
Shuffle the sword cards while focusing on the same question and deal out the top four cards into positions 3 through 6.
Combine the remaining swords and major arcana cards and shuffle them together, again concentrating on the sames question and deal out the top four cards from this pile into positions 7 through 10.
The Question: What should my strategy be with regard to my new web development business.
1. Covers You (current situation) – X Wheel
2. Crosses You (challenges) – IV Emperor
3. Above You (what is possible) – VIII Swords
4. Below You (how you got here) – X Swords
5. Behind You (recent past) – IX Swords
6. Before You (what’s next) – II Swords
7. Who You Are – I Swords
8. Who They Want You to Be – III Swords
9. What You Want – III Empress
10. What You Get – VI Swords
This situation requires your full attention and dedication of all your resources, which you should invest wholeheartedly. Someone wants to assist you in your endeavor. Be careful of giving over too much power as it may result in a sticky situation.
You experienced utter defeat in the past causing this to be a challenging situation for you. Just recently your worst fears surfaced, but all will come together in the near future.
You will be successful in the end, but don’t expect the full support of those around you. You want to be profitable and reap the rewards of success. This success will come by letting go of those things that haunt you from your past and turning to the unexpected for inspiration.
My Take*: The wheel of time keeps moving. A feeling that fate has taken over. Remember you have control over many things.
The Card: Change, the feeling that some cosmic machine controls our destiny. Although there is much we can’t control, there is also a lot that we do. There are also things that seem out of our control, but which we actually can control. Things are changing.
Analysis**: This card covers you, representing the current state of the situation. You may currently be feeling like the world is passing you by or simply pulling you along. You must take control of those things within your power and let go of those you are powerless over. Use creative means, think outside the box because change is certainly coming.
My Take: Order, rules, dominant figure, social justice, watches over and rules the situation, caring for and creating structure in society.
The Card: Fatherhood, authority, laws and regulation. Government, social justice, tyranny, social structure, power of life. Examine the role of power over the situation. Organization and structure. Find your own power.
Analysis: This card crosses you, representing the obstacles faced in the current situation. Your obstacle is to create structure for yourself or others. Hold true to your values, find your inner power and get organized.
My Take: A prison of your own making, it looks fragile like any sudden move may send those swords plunging in. But the pattern on the sphere suggests strength and integrity. The woman is naked, showing vulnerability.
The Card: Restricted by your own assumptions you have created an inflexible mental map and are now trapped by it. The bubble is strong, only to disappear when new perspective is gained.
Analysis: This card is above you, showing what is possible if the circumstances remain as they are. Reaching your potential will require stepping outside your comfort zone. Look at things from a different direction to gain perspective.
My Take: The man is bent over shielding himself from the descending swords. The tattoo on his back is protection, but defeat has already occurred. There is nothing left but to give in to it and move on.
The Card: Anguish and pain, but relief as well. The situation is not manageable. Although things are dire, it is a positive card. You are at the end and are ready for new opportunities and ready to see the potential. The extremes of the conscious mind.
Analysis: This card is below you and speaks to how you got to this point. Sometime long ago you were utterly defeated and it is affecting this situation. There is nothing you can do now, it’s over. Let it go and get ready for new opportunities to emerge.
My Take: The fears we create in our heads, mostly unfounded, but real enough in our minds.
Card: Stress, tension, anxiety caused by your own mental dealings. Your mind is wreaking havoc on your emotions. How we think directly effects our perceptions. Think negative things and negative things will find you.
Analysis: This card is behind you and represents the recent past. You’ve been letting your fears get the best of you. Recently your mind has you riddled with stress and anxiety. Remember we manifest what our mind tells us we are. Cut out the negative talk.
My Take*: I’m not really sure about this one. Twos are about couplings, pairs and dichotomies. Swords are about strategies, struggles, power and strength. She is blind folded and the sky is stormy with the sun shining through an opening.
The Card: Comparing, analyzing, contrasting an idea. Beware of over-analyzing to death, causing the new idea to wither and die. The blindfold allows the woman to focus without distractions. You are at a turning point. It can still go either way. Don’t over-think it.
Analysis: You may not be able to see it but soon light will break through the darkness. Soon you will face a Y in the road. Analyze the choice, but don’t wait too long to make up your mind.
My Take: Strength, ready to take flight yet grounded with a good foundation. New opportunities will bring success.
The Card: A new idea or aha moment. New opportunities, freedom of thought even when the rest of us feels constrained. Opportunity for change and growth.
Analysis: You are strong and grounded, ready to take off on a new adventure. You are the one with the big idea. This is your adventure.
My Take: Grief. She’s crying and holding her heart. The three swords all point toward her heart, like they are piercing it.
The Card: Heartbreak and disappointment caused by your experience with the situation being quite different thatn you expected. These problems are mental rather than emotional.
Analysis: Someone related to this situation is not going to live up to your expectations. Beware not to set them too high.
My Take: Mother earth, abundance, reaping the benefits of the harvest. Connecting with nature. Being a caregiver.
The Card: Mothering, nurturing, protecting, raising, growing. Giving birth to and nurturing something. Landscaping. The project must be carefully taken care of and protected. Take better care of yourself.
Analysis: You want to enjoy success and abundance. You want this to be your baby, something you grow and care for. You also want it to provide something just for you.
My Take*: This card is a little spooky. There is definitely a journey taking place. Passing through an arch, a transition. the boat is well protected and the man carries a lamp, lighting the way. His mask may show that the purpose or end result of the trip may not be clear.
The Card: Quiet, steady, cautious forward motion. Proceed slowly and discretely. No need to declare yourself openly. You are even and solid and well positioned to access and influence your subconscious. Think a little outside the box to accomplish the goal.
Analysis: This card position represents that final outcome or what you will get if you remain on the same path. You are embarking on a journey into the unknown. This may be scary, but you are well prepared. Proceed cautiously and quietly. It may be outside your normal thinking, but put your head down and proceed without announcing your intentions. You are on a journey to wholeness.
I think this is a pretty insightful reading and a really positive sign for the work on my freelance business being a positive experience. I always like it when a reading rings especially true and this one did just that. It picked up on my recent anxiety. A few weeks ago, I even have a full blown anxiety attack while working on a design project. I have been curious why I have been so afraid to put myself out there and obviously something happened long ago that is setting that up. Wish I knew what it was.
I think it is interesting that thinking in new ways, outside the box, outside your comfort zone, came up consistently throughout this reading. This could mean several things, but really I think it is just speaking to the cocoon I have built around myself and that I am going to have to put myself out there in order to make this succeed and that can be a little uncomfortable for me.
It is just generally good to hear that things in my life are stabilizing and that I am finally in a place where I am ready to take on new challenges and embark on new journeys. Very encouraging.
*Please remember that the my take sections are my first impressions and feelings about a card. Since I am exploring a new deck, this is the first time I have taken a good look at some of these cards. They may or may not be reliable or true to the meaning of the card. I like to take my feelings from a card and the cards intended meaning and combine them for a cohesive analysis. In this way I am consistently improving on my knowledge and abilities.
** I have added a new section to my card analysis. In this section I will combine my thoughts and the intended card meaning and apply them to the position within the reading. This is a way to expand on the meaning of each individual card in the reading.
What a unique perspective he has. To have known me so well at a time when I was so young, so broken, so sad. I hope that the things he remembers about me are the good things and that those might not have changed and that he can forgive me.
Seeing all these people on facebook from a time in my life I now refer to as the dark years has brought up a bit of stuff for me. It reminds me from time to time of the mistakes I made, the people I hurt and the pain I felt. But, the vast majority of the memories are of small moments, kindness, good times, adventures, lessons learned and love. It makes me nervous to reach out to those who may only remember my transgressions or worse, not remember at all.
Thank you for influencing me and helping me and loving me and leaving me. Each one of you contributed to my ability to come out the other side, prepared me for all the joys and challenges that lay before me. I learned so much from you and the glimmers of light find a warm home in my memory and heart.
- A rescued eyelash
- A mixed tape from a foreign land
- A safe place when I needed one
- A back rub, bubble bath and talks into the wee hours of the night
- A hero in my darkest place
- A car dance and a sing along
- A fit of giggles to rival no others
- A strong and kind voice when I really needed one.
To each of you who crossed my path, entered my life, spent time with me, held my hand and left or were left behind. Thank-you and I’m Sorry.
This reading uses a triple cover and cross layout. I will use three basic cover and cross pairs using the I-X of Swords and the first ten major arcana cards, shuffled separately.
The basic cover and cross layout consists of one card upright (covers you) and one laying across that one (crosses you). Just like a cross. The cover card represents the current situation and the cross card represents the challenges you face.
Shuffle the sword cards while asking your question and deal up the first three cards in the covers position. Then shuffle the major arcana cards while asking your question and deal up the first three cards in the cross position.
The Question: How can I ensure I take the right risks?
Covers: X Swords
Cross: X Wheel
Covers: IX Swords
Cross: IX Hermit
Covers: I Swords
Cross: VI Lovers
Interesting or coincidental that the first two are both nines and then both tens. Hmmm.
You are very capable of making a comeback. Look to trusted friends for advice, but when the decisions need to me made, take some time to yourself and trust your own gut. You will have the most success working with a partner.
My Take*: A Man cowers under a ring of swords. He is currently repelling the swords but that situation could change at any time. He is naked and hides his head. Vulnerable is the word that comes to mind.
The Card: You have completely lost yourself in the ruminations of your conscious mind. The chattering monkey mind has obscured your perspective and the ability to see clearly and you are no longer able to manage things productively. The good news is that there is nowhere to go but out of this situation now. This is the end of the road and now you are able to see new opportunities and the potential for growth.
My Take: This card always reminds me of the Wheel of Time. How no matter what happens time keeps moving on, with or without us. It represents all the possibilities of the Universe and it is all up to us whether we seize those opportunities or let them pass us by.
The Card: This card represents the feeling that our fate is determined by some mechanical or cosmic machine. But no matter how many things are out of our control, there are many many things that we can control. We just have to look at these things in new and creative ways. It can represent feeling helpless to your circumstances and most definitely means that change is coming, usually for the better. We must remember the control that we do have in our lives and not let ourselves believe too strongly in the power of those things outside ourselves.
My Take: Afraid of the things that go bump in the night. A woman lays, afraid. The swords are all gathered in a point right above her head. A tree reaches out like a claw. These are the scary thoughts that run around in our heads. Being afraid of everything whether it is real or not or should be scary or not. Letting our thoughts cripple us.
The Card: Anxiety caused by the trappings of the mind. How we think about things effects our perception of the world around us. If we expect bad things to happen then they usually will.
My Take: This card is about looking deep within ourselves for the answers to our questions. It’s about removing ourselves from out surroundings in order to gain perspective on a situation.
The Card: Seclusion, meditation and removing of oneself to gain perspective. Self imposed isolation and contemplation. The lantern brings light into the farthest reaches of the mind. Make sure that the isolation is for reflection and not simply to escape.
My Take*: An armored and winged woman is the hilt of this single sword. Light radiates from behind the sword through a dappled cloud sky. The tip of the sword runs through a golden triangle. Ones are generally about new opportunities. This card speaks to me of a renewal in strength. The woman is ready to take flight like a regal bird, yet grounded by the golden triangle.
The Card: A new idea or “Aha” moment. A new and clearer understanding of the world around us and our personal path. Great opportunity for growth and change.
My Take: Intimate relationships. Obtaining the ultimate closeness while still retaining your own identity.
The Card: Relationships, sharing of self, vulnerability, attraction of opposites. All types of relationships are represented, not only love relationships. Sharing of oneself can be frightening, but closeness and a breaking down of barriers can be achieved by being honest and up front. Communication and understanding prevail.
These three set reading tend to deal with past present and future and the first set seems to hold true with this. I feel like the last year has been all about giving in and resigning to the situation so that I can finally see past all the anger and pain and fear and move on with my life in a more productive and genuine way. It is time for me to break myself down and pick through all the pieces to determine who it is I really want to be. This required getting rid of the negative influences in my life, renegotiating my boundaries and interactions with those closest to me and learning enough about myself to redefine who I am. With this comes the ability to move forward in a new way that is very exciting and more than a bit scary.
It is funny that they talked about the chattering monkeys. My therapist referred to my constant ruminating as chattering monkeys as well. A big part of this journey for me has been to differentiate between when the monkeys are working on something productive and when they are just being distracting and destructive. I am working on this and also telling them that this isn’t productive and diverting them onto more productive paths. It seems to be working quite well. Really dealing with depression, anxiety, fear, chattering monkeys or whatever else is all the same. You have to look it straight in the eye, accept it and recognize it for what it is, then simply move on with your day. There is little you can do about your physical reactions or mental wanderings, but you can identify it correctly and chose to live your life anyway. And eventually the thoughts and physical sensations begin to subside, at least that has been my experience.
For a while now, I have felt really out of control, like the world was spinning out of control around me. The Wheel card represents that. But now, I am taking back the control that I do have, by choosing the people who influence my life, facing my fears and slaying the dragons, as I like to say, as well as trying to reconcile, resolve and/or let go of the things that haunt me from my past.
The nine of swords and Hermit pairing make perfect sense for the present with anxiety brought on by the workings of my mind and my resulting self imposed isolation. I have been going through a lot and have closed rank as a way to cope and work through everything. Only recently have I really started to reach out again and am beginning to attempt to clear away some of the rubble.
This is where the risk this reading addresses really comes into play. In the future set we have the one of swords about new inspirations and opportunities paired with the lovers which deals with open and honest communication and relationships. To me this means that new opportunities lie in my relationships with others and with open and honest communications, being comfortable with my vulnerability and recreating the important relationships in my life in an honest and meaningful way. It also may mean that a new relationship in my life will be a rewarding risk.
Overall an honest and encouraging reading.
* Please keep in mind that I am learning and this is a new deck of cards for me. The “My Take” statements are my first impression based on just looking at the card. It is very likely that the first time the card comes up they won’t be even remotely close. Please don’t hold it against me. ”The Card” statements are more accurate and based on the meanings that are presented with the card.
For this reading I will be using the I-X of Swords and the initials of my first middle and last name. I will do a reading with my married as well as maiden name.
11 + 8 + 7 = 26 = 2 + 6 = 8
11 + 7 + 18 = 36 = 3 + 6 = 9
The Question: How successful will I be?
8 of Swords – KHG
You have followed a path full of challenges and pain. You will use this to build your success on. You may sometimes feel as if there is no hope of escaping it, but if you hang in there only wonderful things will come.
9 of Swords – KGR
Your success is dependent on overcoming your fears. You must walk out of the darkness of your past into the success of your future. You may be inspired by those thoughts that come to you in the middle of the night.
This celestial card contains eight swords pointing upward under a naked and vulnerable woman contained in a bubble. She wants badly to escape the bubble and the pain that the blade tips represent.
This card represents someone who has created a complicated web of assumptions and visions of reality that now imprisons them. The only thing that can break the bubble and make the swords go away is to challenge those assumptions and look at things from a different perspective.
A woman lays on the ground. She looks very frightened. A large tree hovers over her, it’s branches reaching out like claws. A fence surrounds her. The swords line a pillar behind and above her. I’m not sure what the swords represent, but it appears that she has identified what or who is chasing her.
The woman’s mind has created a scary scene full of anxiety. This is a creation of the mind and not the reality of the situation. Our minds are a powerful thing and a preoccupation with the negative has overcome you. Remember, think negative thoughts and bad things will happen. You must be vigilant.
In the answer section, I can see a direct correlation to the time before I was married and the time after. I experienced a lot of pain in my youth and made a lot of really bad decisions because of it, but I never gave up hope that there was a better life waiting for me out there and when the opportunity presented itself, I took it. Now I have a great life, full of love and family. Now it is about letting go of the past and all the fear and that is what I am doing right now. I am fighting the demons head on in order to let them go. I no longer want them to influence my daily life. They must be integrated into my being and then released so that I can move forward and find that so promised success. This is a process ridden with anxiety, but the light at the far end of the tunnel is so worth the struggle.
When looking at the cards individually, outside the context of this particular reading, we can see how powerful our fears and anxieties can be. They can trap us and preoccupy us, holding us back from our potential. I look forward to being free of those traps.