I think back to a time, so many years ago, when this blog was a vibrant and active place and wonder who I was then.  And then inevitably it grows into who am I now and how in the hell did I get from there to here.  Some may look in from the outside and think that I have somehow lost a part of myself or am somehow living a less important life than another road may have led me, but I see only growth.   I am a more whole person now, secure in myself and comfortable with my place in the world.

That is a long way from who I used to be, so angry and insecure.  But within that anger and self loathing came a voice.  The voice that wrote so much so long ago, the voice that struggled once it’s owners healing began.  That voice had so much to say and such depth to draw from.  For years now I have struggled with what a happy, well adjusted forty year old might have to say that would be interesting.  That angry girl I used to be at least was interesting, or so at least that is how I felt for a while.

For years now, I have wondered what I have to say from this place.  Nobody wants to read cheerful crap from someone with a great life.  They want snark and humor and to feel connected to those worse off than them to make themselves feel a bit better about how miserable they are in there own lives.  Well guess what?  I think the version of myself that thinks that is full of crap.  First of all, anyone who knows me will tell you I am far from cheery.  But I am a bit snarky and even somewhat funny on a good day.  And I do have something to say.

Finally, I think I can hear this version of my writing voice and am excited to see what it might have to share with the world.  People do want to feel connected, and I can’t wait to connect in that way again, but they also want to feel inspired and challenged.  They want to think deeply and question.  They want to laugh and cry and feel.  These are all the things I want too and I am finally in a place where I can see that these are the people I want to write for and I am ok with letting go of the other.

This is the first time I have sat down to write in a very long time.  I know I am rambling but I am being gentle with myself rather than critical.  Let the words flow, let the thoughts ramble.  It doesn’t matter because I am writing and finally taking a step toward the person I was always supposed to be.

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