Let’s get real here.  I feel weak.  I doubt my ability to do this and I am self sabotaging like you would not believe.  Yet one more thing that terrifies me.  I am so tired of being afraid.  I don’t even know what I am so damn scared of.  I just walk around wallowing in my own fear.

If you have been reading this blog for awhile then you know that I am recovering from postpartum depression and have been seeing a therapist for the last six months.  Just yesterday she was telling me how fearless I am in my therapy, how strong I am and how dedicated I am to getting better. It is my disgust with this fear and doubt that drives me to do more and dig deeper in therapy, but it is moments like this that also show me that I have so far to go.  Why is it that I can be so fearless and committed to that, but so weak and afraid when it comes to committing to my own health.

I need to remind myself how far I have come.  I am no longer depressed or having panic attacks.  I have down days, but nothing like it used to be.  That is a long way to come from where I was, which was in a very dark hole, alone and broken.  I took no medication to accomplish this, but faced it head on and worked through it.  This is a huge accomplishment and I am proud of it.

But with that said, there are many more issues to tackle, not the least of which is my inability to fully commit.  This is the issue affecting this particular process for me.   When I choose something, I feel very committed to it and it starts off that way, but as obstacles pop up and it gets a little tougher my resolve dwindles and I slowly lose my willingness to do what it takes. 

One of the main tenants of The Gabriel Method is not to bring cheating into it.  Don’t think of it as taking away, but as adding.  This is all fine and dandy, but when I break down and scarf a jumbo jack in the car on the way home from a particularly tough therapy session or find myself six deep in mini peanut butter cups after a phone call with my mother, I feel like I have failed, like I cheated and then it all goes down hill from there.  Let the closet binge eating begin.

This is hard for me to say, but last night I was watching the biggest loser and they were talking about the habits that got them to the point where they were when they started the show and I can see those habits in myself.  I am not there yet, still just in the overweight category, but I can see how it gets there.

I weighed myself this morning because I felt I needed to.  I couldn’t control my urge to know the bad news, like I needed to feel guilty about it.  Up three pounds.  Now, I do not blame The Gabriel Method for this, in fact he even says in his book that you might gain a few pounds in the beginning as you break the cycle of shame that goes along with food.   This is my fault, I didn’t dedicate myself to doing what Jon said every day.  I didn’t follow the rules, however simple they were.   I let my life and my fears interfere with my commitment.  Classic me.

There is positive growth to be seen in this first month though.  I have learned quite a bit about eating healthier and think a lot about how to make sure I am getting the main three things in my meals (protein, omega and live food).  I have even been pretty good about breakfast, but not every day.  I have done really all the things he instructs for month one, just not consistently.  Again, lack of true commitment.

I want to commit, I want to give over to the process.  In order for things to truly change you need to commit to the process for the whole month, or 21 days really.  But that doesn’t mean half ass for a month, that means every day.

So where to go from here.  I feel like I should start over, because I am not ready to add on at this point.  I don’t feel like I have made the month one steps second nature, which is the point or breaking it down that way.  I am already overwhelmed, adding more just seems like a good way to self sabotage at this point.

I do know that I need to go back and read the book from cover to cover again.  I also saw on Jon’s website that you can contact Jon directly so I think I might do that.  

Well, sorry that I don’t have fantastic news of miraculous weight loss to share at the end of month 1, but I am not giving up.    I am confident that this is the right program for me, I just need to find a way to truly commit myself.  I will update in the next couple of days as I figure out what my new plan is.

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6 Responses to The Gabriel Method – End of Month 1

  • TN Tom says:

    I completely understand your feelings at being half-ass committed. That describes some of what I’ve been going through myself. I’m glad this could be a normal process, as you seem quite normal to me. Please stick with this. You are an encouragement to lots of people (no pressure now…) and we can all help it work if we use our resources to cheer one another onward. Obviously, you ARE strong. You CAN BE dedicated. Imagine how wonderful it will feel to report that you are doing the method and it’s working for you. If you have some setbacks, ~so what? You are so much closer to helping yourself become the person you are choosing to be. If you had not started the program, you would NOT have been better for it. Stay strong! Folks out here believe in you…

  • admin says:

    Thank you so much for the encouragement. I have been really overwhelmed by everyones kindness and support.

    It is really hard to put aside old and baked in ways of thinking, but if we can give over to the possibility that it doesn’t have to be this way, that a different life is only a choice away then that is a huge step in the right direction.

    I am working on this and you can do it too.

  • LoneStranger says:

    I used to weight 260 lbs. I spent most of my adult life overweight, and each year the overages crept on like shady little ninja fats. Silent assassins for sure. I tried the fad diets and the basic premise works every time. People say that diets don’t work, but the reality is that the people trying them don’t work. Your story of early commitment is very familiar. What I realized in my personal struggle is that the excitement of change is what drives that early commitment. It’s like popping anti depressants and feeling great for the first two weeks. It’s not the drug, it’s the excitement about change — kind of puts the power of the mind into perspective. The only thing that changes in the beginning is our view or our world. That a good, happy existence IS possible… but then the little ninjas creep back in. This is when the excitement for change dwindles and we’re left reverting back to our old behaviors. So what does this mean our main trouble is? I believe it’s discipline.

    Discipline is not a natural state. If it was, we’d be a world society of over achievers. Everyone knows an over achiever or two and we draw our eyes to mere narrow slits when we see their smug little faces… :) But in truth, probably don’t know many. What is an achievement anyway? Just the success of reaching a personal goal. SO, without rambling on too much more… I think any issue we face, especially where self doubt is concerned, comes down to our discipline. Work to strengthen your discipline. Small victories first. Losing weight and changing your life is possible, but it takes discipline. The Gabriel Method is nothing special that I’ve seen. Eat healthier foods and not processed junk. Eat as nature intended, not as the food industry has so perniciously prescribed through marketing. Well, duh… :) You’re a biological machine. Why would you eat chemically treated material that USED to be food?

    I now weigh 185 lbs and I am lean muscle. I do a simple gym routine and have taken up martial arts. I don’t diet. I practice discipline now more than anything and everything has fallen into place. And hey, I have my days. So what. Discipline pulls me out. And you know what? YOU, blogger are damn strong for doing what you’re doing. A huge part of discipline in my life is not being so hard on myself and just doing what needs to be done. 80% of success is just showing up. The other 20 is doing it while you’re there.

    Best of luck on your journey!!!

  • LoneStranger says:

    AMENDMENT: I shouldn’t say the Gabriel Method doesn’t seem like anything special. I don’t know all the ins and outs of the process, so that was unfair of me. If it’s working for you, then fantastic. All I mean to say is that the reality of weight loss is quite simple. Eat living, healthy foods. Read The Omnivore’s Dilemma and In Defense of Food when you get a chance. These books are real eye openers.

    Best!

  • admin says:

    Thank-you LoneStranger for your insights. I’m so glad that you have found something that has worked for you and congratulations on your success.

    I tend to disagree with you about discipline alone being enough though and that theory is fundamentally opposing to The Gabriel Method point of view.

  • After reading your inspirational blog, I too decided to start one to help with The Gabriel Method process. I am now at week 6, and have begun to down slide. The first 4 weeks I was fully committed, but just like you I am rereading the book to get back on track.

    I enjoyed your progress photos. Keep up the great work. It is a struggle every day, but with support, we will concur our demons and succeed.

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