You see, I pass out. I pass out when I hurt myself. I pass out when other people hurt themselves. I pass out when people on TV hurt themselves (no ER – the TV show – for me). I pass out when other people talk about hurting themselves. I pass out when I work too hard and eat too little. I even pass out for no apparent reason.
It is some function of my low blood pressure, I think. I don’t really know. I am definately going to bring it up with my therapist and my doctor though because after yesterday, I need to do something.
Because of this, my worst fear as a parent is that something will happen to my kids and I won’t be able to help them.
And this fear is not unjustified. I have been lucky up until now that there has been someone there to help me.
But yesterday, I was all by myself.
I am not going to go into details about what happened because it just isn’t important to this story. The short of it was that he hurt himself badly enough that I felt we needed to go to the ER and that he is just fine. An x-ray and an ace bandage and he acts like nothing ever happened. While he flirted with nurses, I quietly tried to calm myself and fight back the tears.
But I did it. All by myself, without anyone to help me and without actually losing conciousness. I did have to pull the car over once to avoid passing out and wrecking the car, but we got there.
I called Karli right after it happened and he left work immediately to meet me at the hospital. I can’t even tell you how much I needed him right then. I just kept telling myself that he would be there soon and I just had to make it a few more minutes. Little did I know that he was stuck in traffic and wouldn’t arrive until we were leaving the hospital two hours later. There was no phone service in the hospital so I wasn’t getting his calls and couldn’t send a text message. I can’t imaging sitting in traffic, not knowing what was going on. He was so scared.
But, the fact that it took him two hours to go a distance it should have taken him no more than 45 minutes to go in the worst traffic confirms that I was meant to go this one alone.
Although I think I passed the test, this was minor and there was no blood. I can’t help but think what might have happened if…
What I do know is that it is time for me to figure out why I do this and try to fix it if I can.
The work never stops or even takes a break, huh?