That is a long way from who I used to be, so angry and insecure. But within that anger and self loathing came a voice. The voice that wrote so much so long ago, the voice that struggled once it’s owners healing began. That voice had so much to say and such depth to draw from. For years now I have struggled with what a happy, well adjusted forty year old might have to say that would be interesting. That angry girl I used to be at least was interesting, or so at least that is how I felt for a while.
For years now, I have wondered what I have to say from this place. Nobody wants to read cheerful crap from someone with a great life. They want snark and humor and to feel connected to those worse off than them to make themselves feel a bit better about how miserable they are in there own lives. Well guess what? I think the version of myself that thinks that is full of crap. First of all, anyone who knows me will tell you I am far from cheery. But I am a bit snarky and even somewhat funny on a good day. And I do have something to say.
Finally, I think I can hear this version of my writing voice and am excited to see what it might have to share with the world. People do want to feel connected, and I can’t wait to connect in that way again, but they also want to feel inspired and challenged. They want to think deeply and question. They want to laugh and cry and feel. These are all the things I want too and I am finally in a place where I can see that these are the people I want to write for and I am ok with letting go of the other.
This is the first time I have sat down to write in a very long time. I know I am rambling but I am being gentle with myself rather than critical. Let the words flow, let the thoughts ramble. It doesn’t matter because I am writing and finally taking a step toward the person I was always supposed to be.
We are so proud of our little gymmie. She has worked so hard and pushed back from injury. Skills were gained and lost and gained again. Many huge accomplishments and minor setbacks. This is the nature of this sport and her passion and dedication never ceases to amaze me. Her strength and grace under pressure astounding.
Congrats on a great fist season baby. Onward and upward!
About six months ago, we welcomed a new addition to our family. An eight week old Entlebucher Mountain Dog named Dulcinea Berlin de Tierra Alta. We just call her Nea (Nay-a) or as she seems to come to best Nene. Leave it to this family to have a dog that comes to the name of trashy reality TV star.
She is full of beans and very drivey. That means that her herding instinct is very strong. She is super bossy, especially with EB who she sees as that naughty small cow. That naughty cow really needs a lot of management.
So, very sadly, my father died about five months ago when Nea was around 3 months old. So, while she needed us to be strong and stable leaders for her, we were a total mess. This was a very bad combination of events and we ended up in a big mess with Miss Nea. She was out of hand.
My father dying has been a strange and unsettling experience for me. Please don’t think me callous or unfeeling, it was very traumatic and sad and heart breaking. But, my father and I had just reunited only a year prior after being estranged for over 20 years. He left me when I was 13 years old and was not a father to me after that. I have very happy memories of my childhood with my Daddy, but that was a long time ago and that man was no more. I had spent years in therapy getting over the anger I had towards him. I had let that anger create havoc in my life for many years. After settling these things with myself, I felt it was time to settle things with him as well.
When I saw him, I was so surprised that he wanted anything to do with me. He had never reached out to me before that, yet according to him he had tried to be there, but my Mom wouldn’t let him. As we compared stories, it was extremely upsetting for me. I didn’t know whose version of my childhood was true as we had three distinctly different versions. I was really angry with him and my mom because it was really apparent that neither one of them could put their own stuff aside long enough to see what would have been the right thing for me. What happened to going to court and getting shared custody like normal people? I know that they were doing what they thought was best at the time, but as a parent I simply don’t understand what circumstances could have led to such a debacle and I don’t understand how you can know your child is in so much pain and not do anything to help them.
But, I also know that I will never know the real truth as we all have been steeping in our perceptions for 25 years. My only choice is to forgive and move on and that is what I am doing.
When he died, I learned what grieving was all about. For many years I was so full of anger that I didn’t even know what it felt like to be sad. I lost all touch with my emotions. It was just all anger all the time. My therapist has been helping me a lot with sad, that seems to be the hardest for me. I still don’t feel like I have had the chance just to miss my dad and be sad. I hope that comes with the settlement of his legal affairs and the final and official removal of his crazy life from mine.
Unfortunately I have had to deal with this crazy woman who fancied herself his wife, although that was not the case and the way my father spoke about her as well as her behavior since his death has proven to me that she is in fact a little crazy, just like he said she was. It is so sad. I tried so hard to do the right thing and be respectful of her and their relationship, even though my dad told me time and again that she would pull all the things that she has and that I shouldn’t trust her and should prepare myself for what would happen when he died. I so did not prepare myself and he did not finish what he needed to finish to make sure I wouldn’t have to deal with all this.
Death does funny things to people and I have learned more than I ever cared to know about it all. Finally, I just hired a lawyer because it was all just too much. Losing a parent it hard enough without having to deal with someone else’s crazy bullshit. It brought up all that anger all over again. It has been really hard. I am looking forward to being able to spend some quite time with my dad and my thoughts and my memories. I am looking forward to letting go of the anger and being able to just remember the short time we got to spend together.
Life has just been crazy. I am working through my grief as the lawyer works through the estate. We are working very hard to help Nea recover from her complete lack of leadership and to become the strong, loving and stable pack leaders that she needs so badly. She has come so far.
On the exciting front, The Fellows is coming to the end of her first competitive gymnastics season. It has been a long and bumpy road, but we are so proud of her and all her work and look forward to years of gymnastics to come. She is our super star.
EB is crazy as ever. He is enjoying soccer and very excited to start Kindergarten in the fall. I can not wait to see who he becomes over the next couple of years.
Welcome to the new and improved Redesigned Mom. This will now serve to chronical our family journey. Take a look at The Redesigned Group to see what else I’m up to.
Take care and talk soon.
She promptly informed me that she didn’t want to go if she had to miss practice. Always dedicated, she is. Well, I promptly informed her that I had purchased the tickets and we were going, but that we could compromise and go to the first half of practice and leave straight for the show.
Besides the gymnastics factor, we had several more stacked against us. First, she is not a princess kind of girl and Cinderella is her least favorite of the princesses. Also, she had seen a children’s performance of another play and had enjoyed it but wasn’t really all that impressed. I don’t think she really had any concept of what a major theater production was all about.
As the day arrived, she seemed to be a little more enthusiastic. It probably didn’t hurt that she had accomplished two major feats at the gym that week and was putting a little less pressure on herself for the upcoming first meet ever.
She also found out that several of her teammates had gone to the show as well and they had liked it. A little friend endorsement certainly never hurts.
So, we went to dinner and over to the show. The lobby was overflowing with little girls in princess dresses and tiaras. Meanwhile, The Fellows is dressed very cutely in a cotton dress and leggings over her leo. We did the best we could to clean up but a sweaty pony and chalk smudges were unavoidable. She still looked beautiful to me. I think she looks the most adorable right after gym; sweaty, red, and covered with chalk. Someone asked her where her tiara was, and she just looked at her blankly and said “HUH?”.
But, then the show started. I have to say, it wasn’t my favorite of the musicals I have seen lately, but watching her loving it so much was absolutely priceless. She got a little restless during the slow numbers and romantic parts, but she thought the stepsisters were hilarious and the fairy godmother’s pyrotechnics were awesome. There was a point when the entire stage was lit up like the fourth of July. Very cool.
The one thing I thought was really great about this show was the message. The story was updates, the cast multiethnic and the moral was very good. The focus was on taking responsibility for your dreams and doing the work and then anything is possible, even if everyone else says it is totally impossible.
Here is Cinderella and her Fairy Godmother rehearsing our mutually favorite number “Impossible”.
My absolute favorite part of the evening and my most recent flabbergastedly proud mama moment was the car ride home. Here is how it went…
The Fellows: Mama, are impossible dreams really possible?
Me: Well, yes, most of the time.
The Fellows: Then I want to be a princess when I grow up.
[At this point my jaw dropped and heart sank just a little. Great, taking her to see Cinderella had turned her]
Me: Wow, so what does being a princess mean to you?
The Fellows: [Thinks for several seconds and then answers] Being responsible for yourself and really really nice.
Me: [I think I may have made some strange sound at this point] I think that is a wonderful thing to want to be honey.
God, I love that kid. She makes me so proud every day.
Well, unless your camping, it’s kinda gross.
Adam Braverman to his dad in regard to wearing his shirt two days in a row.
Perfectly delivered, excellent writing.
Just as a teaser, there will be a major redesign and new features as well as new, more targeted content to enjoy.
I am so looking forward to embracing the researcher and writer that I now know I am.
Things may be a little messy during the transition, so please be patient. In the end it will all be worth it.
Big changes folks. Stay tuned!
“…I’ve come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call “The Physics of The Quest” – a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: “If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself….then truth will not be withheld from you.” Or so I’ve come to believe.” — Elizabeth Gilbert
You may recognize this as the last line from the movie Eat, Pray, Love. Although I would find it hard to pick up and leave everything behind like that, I see the appeal and I definitely related to her personal journey in a profound way.
Over the last several years I have stripped myself down to the core and taken a long and arduous journey. I have learned so much about myself and those that I love and love me back. Every stop, every person along the way revealing more than the last. I am so grateful for the truths that have presented themselves and very much look forward to all the exciting thing coming in the future.
I have been rather absent this year, but I am excited about what is coming next. Check back soon to see what happens next…
A couple of weeks ago, we were at our amazing new local hardware store and, like usual, we were wandering around looking at all the things we would like to buy. I swear, hardware stores are like toy stores for kids.
Anyway, I happened across the dish cloths and since they have a lifespan of about six months and mine are getting kinda grimy I took a look at what they had. Well, I came across a very interesting product that claimed to be the perfect mix between paper town and dishtowel. That looked interesting and so I picked up a pack.
Well, let me tell you. These things are the bomb. They actually are the perfect mix between dishcloth and paper towel. They clean up like a paper towel with the re-usability of a dish towel. They are washable in both the washing machine and the dishwasher and you can microwave it to sanitize it. I put one through the dishwasher the other day and it came through beautifully.
We will see how long they last, but for now they get a big thumbs up from me.